Wednesday, February 29, 2012

First Line Grabber, Round Two #2

TITLE: Gallop
GENRE: YA paranormal

Dad used to insist monsters couldn’t get me so long as one person loved me. Mom was always more matter-of-fact: she said she’d shoot them before they could make a move. I never believed Dad—Mom packed more credibility since she had a gun tucked against her hip most days.

26 comments:

  1. YES. I want to be careful to avoid 'cheerleading' as was discussed on this blog a few days ago, but I really don't know what to say other than, 'I would read the hell out of this.'

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  2. Yes!

    Excited about this. Would continue! Mostly because, it's interesting and fun. There is voice and already a developing plotline. :)

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  3. Yes! This is my favorite entry of them all, and the one that most expanded on the promise of the first line (or at least my own subjective expectations). I love the contrast between Dad's view and Mom's view, as well as the immediacy of the monsters: these aren't just your standard imaginary monsters. Zombie tale, perhaps?

    Very cool.

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  4. Yes! Holy cow, who are these monsters and what happened to Dad??

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  5. Yes

    I love the voice, the world, the characters. Also, I like the subversion of the typical gender stereotype: Mom is the one who is the take-action person, out hunting monsters before they can attack. Wonderful!

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  6. So I like this opening but now that I read the rest, the first line confuses me a little. Was Dad trying to say that Mom didn't love him? Maybe this would be better if it said, "so long as somebody" or "so long as at least one person" loved me.

    Good luck!

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  7. Yes.

    Great voice and pacing. I'd keep reading for sure.

    Good luck.

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  8. Yes.

    Like Kimberly, I like the twisting of typical gender roles, and loved the delivery of the lines.

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  9. Yes, I love this. Love the voice, love the parents (and how they subvert the gender stereotype), and would love to know more!

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  10. Yes. It makes me want to know more about this family, what kind of life they live, and what's going to happen next.

    But I agree that it could be stronger if one person was changed to somebody.

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  11. yep, love the mom! this did feel a little more MG than YA though.

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  12. Yes. I really like the idea of tough mom packing heat.

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  13. Yes! You made me smile by the second sentence. That's always a win. I love the strong sense of voice in these lines. It tells me I'm in the hands of a capable story-teller. And I really want to understand the monsters and meet the gun-toting mom! :)

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  14. Yes, like someone else said, this is my favorite so far. I loved the voice and you've already shown what the mom and dad are like.

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  15. Yes! Love the voice and the difference between mom and dad and the kid's affinity with mom.

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  16. Yes - I like that it says a lot without feeling like InfoDump. We already know these monsters are a real danger and that this teen isn't alone fighting the world (a plus in my eyes). I think it's a great start.

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  17. Yes. This isn't what I was expecting, I want to see what other surprises you have in store. :)

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  18. I said yes before and I'd say yes again. Really fun.

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  19. Yes! I don't remember this from round one but I'll remember it now. I especially like the way the dad is the sensitive one while the mom packs the pistol.

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  20. Yes. but perhaps drop the 'she said' in the second sentence. "Mom was always more matter-of-fact; she'd shoot them before they could make a move."
    It's more immediate and suggests your MC has personal experience of Mom's toughness.
    Good luck!

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  21. HECK YES. Because it's hilariously serious... if that makes any sense...

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  22. Yes! I love the sound of the mom!

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  23. Me, too. I say yes. I especially like that Mom is backing the heat. I definitely want to read more.

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  24. Oh yeah- loved the gun-toting mom! Not sure about your punctuation, though. The colon in the second sentence bothers me, wonder if a semi-colon or comma would be better? And I'd reword the third sentence to read: "Mom packed more creditability than Dad anyway, since she had a gun tucked against her hip most days." Great voice, great beginning, can't wait to read more!

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