Miss Snark's First Victim
No - this seems to be switching point-of-view already, and I'm finding that confusing. But I do like the idea of their being consequences to waking up wrong.
NoStarting off with dialogue is tricky, but then we get into POV issues--is the second line referring to the sleeping female or the person who is speaking?
No. Still a no for me on this. I didn't think the first line was strong enough and the next two either. Second line is cliched. Don't enjoy the similie, because she is sleeping I assumed she'd have a blanket, having the warmth like a blanket seems redundant. Not much moving this foward. There is a modicum of interest piqued over what happened last time, but not enough for me want to read on.
No. I didnt like the first line before and the additional two lines dont add anything, imo. Im confused and don't have an idea of any of the characters (or even how many are involved).
I am confused who is speaking here and don't understand why "she" (whoever she is) is feeling warm during what sounds like a tense situation.
NoI am not grounded enough as to who is speaking to whom, about what, etc. This could be a POV issue as mentioned already. But since the idea is to see if I am hooked, I would have to say I am not at this point. And I still am confused by the "wake wrong" reference. That makes me more inclined to be critical of what follows than if it had been a more understandable reference.
No. I liked the first line but the next two sentences are confusing. It's unclear what the POV is and alternating between dialogue and narration makes it read choppy.
No for me, too, for the reasons stated above. This is a perfect example of why "don't start with dialogue" is such common wisdom. Stories are supposed to create pictures and I've got nothing. I have no idea if I'm dealing with adults or children, if it's modern or historical times, boys or girls, who the MC is, etc. Even if I find out on the very next line, I have to go back and change the vague pictures I've been forming in my head. That's going to slow your forward motion on the very first page.
Yes. I liked this in the first line contest, and I still like it. I want to find out what happened last time!
No. the second line really dragged me out of it, and the third line is sort of implied by the first.
No. The "wake wrong" still irks me and the next line feels as if it's trying too hard. Considering she's sleeping, a quilt could actually be enveloping her. Although I'm curious as to why it would be such a disaster to disturb her from sleep, I think this needs tightening.
No. I really have no markers to use in building a mental picture for this story. Who is speaking? Is the sleeping girl the one overhearing these voices? Or are we being told this story from the wakers' POVs? One way to fix this is to include dialogue tags if it's from the speaker's POV or include a description of the speaker's voice if the girl is overhearing them. And you can mention in the second sentence that she is trying to place the voices, or she recognizes the speaker, or whatever you need to do to let us know the girl enveloped with warmth is the sleeping girl.
No, it feels like you're switching pov's with the quilt line.
No. The potential disconnect of starting with dialog is only reinforced in the other lines. If the "her" in the second line is the MC, why not name her? "Warmth enveloped Gracie Lou Like a quilt."And I still don't know if the MC (whom I'll call Gracie for the rest of my response, just because!) said the first line or the last. Or perhaps Gracie said neither, and two more verbose friends are speaking, and she's watching the sleeper. Or perhaps Gracie is the one asleep (but not really), and the speakers don't know she's actually awake. So far we simply have two disembodied voices and a (comfortable?) feeling of warmth. the actual writing and the scene are both interesting. Just work on your "literary cinematography" if that makes sense.
No, but with some context like who is speaking and to whom, a little added detail will clarify all the questions everyone has so far. Best of luck in editing.
No. I'd like to have some idea whose talking and whose listening.
Sorry, but there's just nothing to grab me, to make me want to read on. It's too vague and slow for me. Keep trying!