Wednesday, February 15, 2012

February Secret Agent #43

GENRE: YA Supernatural Thriller

The floorboards creaked under the Intruder as he walked up the aisle of the small church. Moving shadows crept along the walls, brought to life by the flickering candles that rimmed the nave. Looming carved pieces, depicting the last moments of the prophet vital to this particular religions history, hung between front windows. The deity's name didn't matter, known as many different names in the world. What mattered was that people believed.

Belief was power.

The Intruder sauntered towards the altar, a hint of incense in the air. A stone baptismal fountain lay on the floor to his left, large enough to bathe a child or drown one depending on your intent. His eyes settled on the iconic figure crucified and displayed for all to see. He found a moments peace gazing up at the idolized portrayal of death. Crucifixion was a martyr's death, instilling fear in those that witnessed it. Fear begets conformity in all creatures. The intruder looked down at his own palms, tracing his own scars with his thumb. There were many ways to kill a man. And only one way to kill a soul.
Genuflecting, he crossed himself as was the customary fashion, then slid into a pew and leaned forward, his head bowed in reverence. He no longer prayed, had forgotten how over the many centuries. Memories were blurred in his mind, unable to remember his true name. The reference of time held no meaning for him. Nothing mattered but peace of mind.


  1. Hooked. The atmosphere is great, and the fact that the narration seems to come from the Intruder even if it isn't in first person is very well done.

  2. WOW! This is enthralling and seriously creepy (in an awesome way). I love how your descriptions feed the story instead of being static. Goosebumps. Seriously.

  3. Love the voice and dark description.

    There are so many lines that draw me in here:
    "There were many ways to kill a man. And only one way to kill a soul."
    "...unable to remember his true name."

    Who is this spooky character? Totally hooked. =)

  4. Eerie, creep, dark. I'm really digging it. There were some really great lines in there:

    -enough to bathe a child or drown one depending on your intent.
    -There were many ways to kill a man. And only one way to kill a soul.

    It needs a little tightening and polish, but the foundation is intriguing.I'd read more.

  5. Great description in your paragraphs--super creepy! I kind of get a more adult voice from this, so I am guessing it's older YA (17/18)?

  6. I like where this is going. Though I would be careful not to lead too heavily with description. That said, I'm still hooked.

  7. I found the opening compelling, and my quibble is, as pointed out by other commentors, that the voice did not quite have a YA ring to it.

  8. I found this interesting on one level, but also felt a little lost in all the detail on the religious stuff. Does that play a significant role in the story? Your descriptions are nice, but it's probably too much for me if the whole story goes that way.

  9. You’ve done a great job with the mood and setting and there are some fantastic, creepy lines in here. I think you could tighten and get to a scene faster. We are just beginning to see the main character. (If he is the main character.)

    It doesn’t feel YA at all though.