Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #13

TITLE: The Heartsmith
GENRE: YA Fantasy

I carry my heavy basket of hearts down the crowded, cobble road.

42 comments:

  1. Love it! The hearts are unexpected and the task so ordinary (carrying a basket).

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  2. Yes. I want to know why they are carrying a basket of hearts.

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  3. YES. I love this imagery, so vivid!

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  4. this is fantastic. i definitely want to read more.

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  5. Yes, yes, yes! I love the effortless marriage of grim to mundane. Also, the use of alliteration creates a poetic effect without being TOO much. This was my favorite of all the entries by far. I felt I was in skilled hands as I read.

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  6. Yes. I want to know what she's referring to here. This makes me wnt to keep reading

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  7. Yes. Intriguing and already a sense of place and setting.

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  8. No - I'm betting based on the title that there would be some explanation of what the hearts are on the back cover, and that would be the only thing I'd read on for. Walking down the road is not interesting.

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  9. Yes! I want to know why there are hearts in a basket! Real ones? Animal? Human? Paper?

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  10. Yes. This promises something unique.

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  11. Yes! The voice is confident and I'm intrigued by the premise.

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  12. Yes

    A basket of hearts? Sign me up for that right now.

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  13. No. While the basket of hearts is intriguing, the writing didn't grab me.

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  14. Yes. I like the juxtaposition of the hearts and the mundane task of walking down the road. And you kept it simple.

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  15. No. I imagined plastic hearts so it sounded too girly for me.
    If these are animals' hearts for instance, it's too gory for me.

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  16. Yes, by the title I'm thinking they're iron hearts, and I'd like to know what people do with them.

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  17. Yes
    -but just barely. I like the idea of a basket of hearts unless they're plastic, but am not sure if I can get on board with present tense.

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  18. No - Without any description of the hearts, this left me wondering if it was some kind of metaphor or abstract transcendent thing, which doesn't interest me. I see that the title is "The Heartsmith," so they may be made out of something. If that's the case, give some hint of what they actually are.

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  19. Yes, because I want to know if the basket is heavy because there are a lot of hearts in there, or because the few hearts carried are heavy (made of iron or full of sorrow). Really want to see that second sentence...

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  20. No. But I want to be interested. It sounds like there's going to be some cool world-building going on, but the sentence is awkward (and you have to be *so* careful with a first sentence when it's in present tense) and feels tell-y. I don't yet trust the writing and there's nothing yet real about the scene or the character to pull me past that.

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  21. No. If this were worded a bit differently, yes. As is, it distracts rather than draws me in.

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  22. Yes.
    Great voice. It has almost a lyrical quality to it. I wonder what kind of hearts these are that are created by the heartsmith. I wonder if this might be some sort of steampunk adventure.

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  23. Yes. I love the mundane carrying of a basket filled with hearts. Good job!

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  24. Yes. Are hearts heavy? Is the burden of carrying them what make them so heavy? Are there that many of them that makes the basket heavy?

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  25. Yes. We get a sense of fantasy in the very first sentence. We learn something about the story world; they use baskets, carry even heavy ones by hand, and travel on cobbled roads. I don't know what the hearts are, but I want to read more to find out. Especially, with the image promised by the title.

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  26. Yes. One of the best. I want to know more, have questions, can see the action, hear the voice. Well done.

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  27. Yes! It's very lyrical- and is it real hearts or something just shaped like hearts? I'd read on to find out.

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  28. Yes. Lovely and weird. Raises questions in the reader's mind.

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  29. Yes. It was a "barely yes" for me as I find present tense 1P hard to get into. Then the hearts drew me in.

    You don't need a comma after crowded, BTW.

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  30. Yes. I immediately want to know if they are blood dripping "real" hearts or gems or heart shaped potatoes or …

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  31. No - Not nearly enough information for me to want to read on. Are the hearts real, metaphorical?

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  32. No. This seems too telling, too factual in a sense. Of course I'm curious to know what kind of hearts these are, but as an opening sentence, I need more than this.

    I think your comma is placed correctly, btw. I get a sense of many people in the scene. If you delete the comma, the road itself would have crowded cobbles (does that make sense? hah).

    Also, shouldn't it be "cobbled" or "cobblestone"?

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  33. Yes. It feels figurative to me. I want it to be figurative. If it is, count me in.

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  34. No. The misplaced comma is off-putting, and it should be 'cobblestone' or 'cobblestoned' road. ('Cobble' is one single stone, or the verb 'to cobble'). And I'm afraid I have to be the dissenting voice here and say that my first thought about the hearts in the basket was that it seemed a bit contrived, as if you were trying too hard to make the reader curious.

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  35. Yes.

    First, because a basket of hearts is intriguing, and second, because it's simple and direct without a lot of adjectives trying to prop it up and make it more than it is, or needs to be.

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  36. Yes! Wonderful first sentence. Why hearts and what is she doing with them and what kind of hearts? Love it.

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  37. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 6:55 PM

    No. For me it reads like "I carry my grocery home." Maybe if hearts were slopping over the edge or beating or something.

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  38. Yes. But barely, just because the basket of hearts is interesting. The line, I think, could be much tighter and give some sense of the character. This is a little too close to being a 'clinical fact' with no impression of character... so it's a hesitant 'yes' for me. Definite potential...

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  39. Yes. Love it. Who, or what, did the hearts belong to? There is so much packed into such a short sentence. The reader knows there are a lot of them - and what is going to become of them? And who is this person carrying them?

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