Embrie strained her ears for stealthy whispers on the stone, a creak of wood. For what was not the skitter of rodent feet, but crept about nonetheless.
This first line is really powerful, but I'm not sure why it's italicized. Is it meant to be internal thought? If so, I'd like to know whose. Or you could drop the italics, and it would still work.
The next lines do a good job of continuing the foreboding atmosphere. It's interesting that she's drawn to "them" instead of wanting to keep away.
I love the first line. It was one of my favorites, but follow up lines confused me.
Did she stained her ears on wood or stone. It also make me think she hurt them doing exercises --like straining a muscle. I think it need to hear or listen in there.
The last sentence baffles me. Are the rodent feet creeping instead of skittering? But it's not?
The first line definitely grabbed me, but then whatever "they" are probably can't move within stone walls, and creaking wood reminds me of floors, not walls.
"Skitter" seemed to be the subject/object of the first part of line three, but then skitters can't creep.
If you clean up the grammar mistakes, this would be a winner for me. Delete the 'stealthy'(telling) and make the second phrase into a sentence with subject and verb.
I liked this except for 'whispers on the stone'. What does that mean? On the stone what? Consider cutting the 'on the stone.' That extra phrase throws the sentence rhythm off.
I thought this did a good job of maintaining the creepiness of the opening sentence.
This first line is really powerful, but I'm not sure why it's italicized. Is it meant to be internal thought? If so, I'd like to know whose. Or you could drop the italics, and it would still work.
ReplyDeleteThe next lines do a good job of continuing the foreboding atmosphere. It's interesting that she's drawn to "them" instead of wanting to keep away.
I would want to know very soon what "they" are.
I love the first line. It was one of my favorites, but follow up lines confused me.
ReplyDeleteDid she stained her ears on wood or stone. It also make me think she hurt them doing exercises --like straining a muscle. I think it need to hear or listen in there.
The last sentence baffles me. Are the rodent feet creeping instead of skittering? But it's not?
The first line definitely grabbed me, but then whatever "they" are probably can't move within stone walls, and creaking wood reminds me of floors, not walls.
ReplyDelete"Skitter" seemed to be the subject/object of the first part of line three, but then skitters can't creep.
If you clean up the grammar mistakes, this would be a winner for me. Delete the 'stealthy'(telling) and make the second phrase into a sentence with subject and verb.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing.
I liked this except for 'whispers on the stone'. What does that mean? On the stone what? Consider cutting the 'on the stone.' That extra phrase throws the sentence rhythm off.
ReplyDeleteI thought this did a good job of maintaining the creepiness of the opening sentence.