Tuesday, April 15, 2014

First Line Grabber Round 2 #4

TITLE: Ice Queen

For the love of all things not genetically modified, just this once, please let me get to the bus without a Jeremy Watters run-in.

Racing though the empty gym I slam my backpack into the double doors as the final bell rings. Almost there—


  1. Yes. I like how the second sentence firmly grounds us in a time and place, and the voice in that first sentence is so good that it could easily carry the first page (or even the first few). Nice job.

  2. I see that you've added a genre, and that's really helpful. When I read the original first sentence, I assumed that "not genetically modified" referred to GMO foods, and I would have suggested "organic" to make the sentence flow better. But since it's sci-fi, I'm now guessing that things here besides food are genetically modified, and that's interesting.

    I also like how the second sentences clarifies the location. I was picturing running to the bus from home in the morning. Now I see that she's running to the bus after school.

    The last sentence is great for building momentum and pulling me to keep reading.

    Good job.

  3. I like it but I can't picture "Racing though the empty gym I slam my backpack into the double doors" did she throw off the backpack slamming into the door or turn and slam her back with the pack into the doors. Or was she carrying it and ran into the doors.

  4. I liked the first line, but wondered why such a teenager-y voice would refer to things being genetically modified. I'm willing to wait to find out though, knowing it's Sci-Fi.

    It sounds like the MC is late for the bus (empty gym) but then the final bell (of school?) rings, so I wasn't sure of the time frame. Does a bell ring to signify the buses are about to pull away? I guess kids don't wait in the gym for buses in high school.

  5. This is my favorite entry. DO NOT change the first sentence because it is just right.

    While I wouldn't add anything to explain, you might try harder to relate the GMO part to the second sentence.

    Love the action.

  6. This one still doesn't work for me. The 'genetically modified' sounds very pretentious to me. I don't want to spend 300 pages with a character who thinks this way. The rest is simply too clique.

  7. This is my favorite, by far. Good luck with it. I can't wait to read it.