Wednesday, April 2, 2014

First Kiss #20

TITLE: Queen of the Night
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Sarah and Prince Liam of Zyris had a budding romance before she was tricked into joining his enemies and becoming queen of the rebellious Night.

The color drained from his face, making his eyes dark pools of shock. “My men said only that you warned of the coming attacks on Finormaydun and Woodland Heights.”

“Carl told me you weren’t there, that it must have been a trick. If I had known, I would never have agreed to join the Night! I’ve always thought you would be a better leader than Devon and didn’t want to trust him, but after that day I had no choice. I let him convince me it would be better for me to rule. Now I know he must be defeated. I just don’t know how.”

Perhaps I did start to black out, because he caught me in his arms. “You foolish, naïve, wonderful girl,” he murmured gently in my ear. Wonderful? “What seemingly innocent magic do you weave! I am trapped by more than the law of honor.” He pulled away, holding onto my shoulders. Happiness beamed from every pore on his face. “The Queen of the Night is not evil!”

We stared into each other’s eyes, a new type of tension stretching between us. Ever so slowly, he bent his head and touched his lips to mine. My arms went around him and the touch of his hands sliding from my shoulder blades to my waist sent warmth radiating everywhere. For one delicious but brief moment, nothing else mattered. Not Zyris. Not the Night. Nothing, but the magic in that kiss.

Then he touched his forehead to mine, pulling his lips away enough to speak. “I must ask your forgiveness for not trusting you. Can you not call off these evil creatures?”

I was swooning a little more than ever from the kiss when the last question hit me with the fury of a desert monsoon.


  1. The kiss is quite sweet and well done, and there are some nice descriptions ('a new type of tension stretching between us). But to me the writing is uneven --for example, "happiness beaming from every pore on his face" felt awkward, and "you foolish, naive, wonderful girl" felt cliched.

  2. It could be bc we're thrust into the story but the beginning dialog seemed a bit dense. Loved his last line when he asked if she could call off the evil creatures. I thought that was hilarious and showed he has a good sense of humor in a tense-because-theres-evil-creatures and tense-bc-we-just-kissed situation.

  3. The end of this scene is great. It leaves us wondering if Liam is just using her to get her to call off her army. I find I'm not liking Liam at all since he called her naive and foolish. The only thing that bothers me is that she accepts being called those.

  4. I like the twist at the end. You left us hanging as to what Liam's motivation is. Sounds like she's going to jump to the conclusion that it's devious.

    The second paragraph of dialogue could use an action tag in there somewhere.

    "Happiness beamed from every pore on his face." I'd rather see an action or description that shows his happiness.

    "I was swooning a little more than ever from the kiss" could be shortened to: "I was still swooning..."

    Good ending simile!

  5. I like the situation you've set up here. It creates lots of tension and suspense.

    A few things that struck me - Prince Liam seems to speak in an old fashioned flowery way, while Sarah sounds like a modern girl.

    What does a pool of shock look like? Perhaps just say he looked shocked?

    Happiness beamed from every pore on his face. Again, perhaps simplify - Happiness beamed from his face.

    My arms went around him. Perhaps show this. WHat did she actually do? I wrapped my arms around him.

    ANd Perhaps cut off the whole front end of the last sentence to - His last question hit me with the fury of a desert monsoon. Although, I do wonder if there are ever monsoons in a desert?

    The end of this piece leaves me with lots of questions (the good kind) and so many possibilities. Nicely done!

  6. The second paragraph is a bit confusing. Not just because we're dropped in the middle. It's quite a monologue, and there are a lot of he's I'm not sure of the reference - did Carl or Devon convince her? Who should be defeated?

    I really like the kiss itself. Very sweet and in the moment.