Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #16

TITLE: Sherwood Revisited
GENRE: Fiction

It is a mistake to think that sleepy towns house sleepy people content to nap through life.

55 comments:

  1. Yes! Great voice and I definitely want to read on to find out more about your story!

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  2. No, only because it's not a yes. With some tweaking this might be interesting enough to grab me, but it fell short. It's not a terribly enlightening or unique idea.

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  3. Yes! It is a great hook! I want to know more about this town and why I am mistaken.

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  4. I'm already so intrigued! It conveys an eerie sense of unrest!

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  5. Yes! I forgot to say Yes!

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  6. Yes! Because sleepy towns are usually ripe with secrets and mystery. Tell me more!!!

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  7. Yes, because this sounds like such an intriguing story!

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  8. Yes! I want to read more

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  9. Yes because it is so incredibly true.

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  10. Yes. I like the setup and tone already!

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  11. Yes. It's got good voice and promises a story that'll be anything but sleepy.

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  12. Yes! I read it once and immediately wanted to read it out loud!

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  13. No. I realize everyone else loves it, but that's why it's said that this industry's subjective. There's nothing wrong with the writing; it just didn't engage me.

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  14. Yes! This sounds awesome, I want to read the whole thing!

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  15. Yes. The cadence is pleasant, and while it's not the most attention-grabbing line, it seems familiar with enough dissonance to be interesting.

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  16. No. Moralizing at the beginning of the story is too tell-y for me.

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  17. Yes! Somehow, sleepy towns seem to turn out the most interesting characters!

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  18. No. Maybe this just isn't my thing, but it seemed a little awkward and wordy to me.

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  19. Yes! I like the parallelism and the repetition that's then broken by the final clause.

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  20. No.

    I really liked the idea of the sentence, but a couple of commas and some tightening would have really helped me clearly understand it, instead of needing a reread

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  21. Yes, it's fanciful and sparks my curiosity.

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  22. Yes! The title and sentence combination lures me in to want more!

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  23. Yes. The voice is immediate and there's a ton of conflict in that one line. It's so ominous as well. Great job!

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  24. Yes, but I'm hesitant because it almost sounds like Jane Austen.

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  25. No
    -but it was close. It feels to telling to me. Tell me why it's a mistake and then maybe.

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  26. No, it was hard to read, and I didn't connect with the line "content to nap through life." That felt too heavy-handed to me and moralizing to me. Actually, without that last part I'd kind of like the line. Or at least would be willing to keep reading.

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  27. No.
    Maybe the rhythm is off. I read house as a noun the first time through.

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  28. Yes. I'm not sure why, but the sentence holds the glimmer of setting and something in the voice is intriguing.

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  29. NO. Sorry, reading this was too much work. Very convoluted sentence.

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  30. Yes. In spite of the missing commas, in spite of the lecturing tone, in spite of the odd POV, I would like to read the next few sentences to see where this is going.

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  31. Yes- a slow start but interesting enough for me to move forward

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  32. No.

    The title is intriguing, but the first line doesn’t grab. I think it’s got potential but something is missing.

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  33. Yes. I want to know why it is a mistake. I love napping!

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  34. Yes! I am very intrigued. I would love to read the book that develops out this mysterious little town.

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  35. Yes! It reminds me of a British mystery story - the kind of thing I want to spend a rainy afternoon or a flight reading.

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  36. No. Too many "sleepy" words. It needs to be tightened up and include a genre. Is this literary fiction?

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  37. Yes! As someone who comes from a small town, I know the importance of appreciating a little town for all the mystery it can convey! I can't wait to read what these "sleepy people" are restless about.

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  38. No.

    But this is close. To me, this line would be much better if it ended after 'sleepy people.' OR...if it had continued on a little longer. But how it finishes as presented here is just not quite right. I think it's partly a rhythm thing for me.

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  39. Yes! It conjurs up images of a closed door on every house, and makes me wonder what could be happening behind each one of them.

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  40. No. Overdone - trying to too hard. You lost me with "content to nap through life".

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  41. No - Too vague and broad to capture my attention.

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  42. No. I like the idea, but it was too wordy for me.

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  43. No. I had to read it a cpl times to understand what it was saying.

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  44. Yes, the cadence is interesting and unexpected. I makes me want, not only hear the story but, explore the author's style and rhythm.

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  45. Yes, it speaks to me I am from a small town

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  46. No. I get what you're saying, but there's something about the phrasing that feels clunky. I like that you open with "It's a mistake" but the rest doesn't quite pull me in. I think some tweaking could change that around. Maybe if you get to the punch line of where you're going with this a little faster, like: It's a mistake to think that sleepy towns don't house restless murderers. (or whatever your town houses)

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  47. Yes, with hesitation. I think this could could be reworked a little, but the idea works.

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  48. No.

    You're moralizing in the opening sentence and I don't want to be taught a lesson.

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  49. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 6:47 PM

    No. To Dr. Seuss for me. I tripped over "towns house" because it's too close to townhouse.

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  50. No. I tripped up and had to read it a few times. Too many repeated words too close together.

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  51. No. "content to nap through life" seems redundant, making the sentence feel awkward. The sentence doesn't create any emotion, do interesting character building, or create a compelling image.

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  52. Yes. Of all the sentences, this one is the one I keep coming back to. The subject is mysterious, yet thought provoking. It beckons the reader to uncover more without resorting to clichéd gimmicks. The author seals the deal by using discordant sentence structure to pull the reader further in. I smell a Pulitzer in this one's future. More please.

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  53. Yes! I love this sentence. The writing is lovely - poetic. And you know this town is filled with people who do not nap through life which raises a ton of qustions.I want to know MORE!

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  54. Yes! It begs you to keep reading to hear about the mysteries of the people in this sleepy town.

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