Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #30

TITLE: MY BEST FRIEND RUNS VENUS
GENRE: Upper MG Science Fiction

It wasn't the first time Kade had hacked the Venusian maintenance system, but it was one of the best.

57 comments:

  1. Yes. You've drawn me in and made me wonder who Kade is and why this isn't the first time this event has happened. I want to read more.

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  2. No. This feels like telling, and I prefer a story to start with a scene. Plus I'm not sure I believe one hack can be better than another. If you're in, then you're in.

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  3. Yes. It raises questions immediately. Why would someone hack the Venusian maintenance system, especially more than once?

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  4. Yes. I immediately want to know, not just why he apparently does this regularly, but what makes this time the "best."

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  5. Yes. It raises questions. However, I have seen the "It wasn't x, but y" format a lot, so it makes me a little wary now.

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  6. Yes. While it's in a cliche format, it's one that works because it asks what has gone on before and what is going on now.

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  7. Yes.
    The combination of the title about BFF running Venus, SciFi Genre and Kade hacking Venusian maintenance system in first line created an immediate and interesting image. I pictured two kids messing around as if they were playing a video game. The opening offers all kinds of possibilities, both funny and scary.

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  8. Yes - I can see the momentum already created in this sentence.

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  9. Yes. There's something about the voice, the title, and genre that makes this seem like it would be a fun read.

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  10. Yes. It introduces questions, conflict, character relationships, and a fun voice right away.

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  11. No.

    But it was alllmost a yes for me. Too many terms i'm not familiar with and no grounding (ie, i don't know what makes a hack better or worse so i don't have any reference for why, then, this would be the best)

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  12. Yes. This has just the right amount of intrigue, and that paired with the title would definitely make me read on.

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  13. YES--I love anything with some good hacking involved. Concept sounds interesting

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  14. No, the sentence sounds awkward to me. It was one of the "best" in terms of something like "hacking" doesn't sound right. Different choice of words?

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  15. No. Just too much I don't know about -- Kade, Venusian, maintenance system. Don't feel grounded, my curiosity contracts.

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  16. No - "One of the best" doesn't sound interesting enough to me. One of the deadliest, or costliest, maybe, but "best" tells me very little since I know nothing of the previous attempts.

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  17. No. I feel like I've read this line many times before.

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  18. YES but with a note. I think the "one of the best" is too vague. Why is this one the best? Tell us why it is.

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  19. No. "One of the best" doesn't hold enough impact for me. Also, Venusian is a little too vague. I understand you're probably referencing the planet, but I could be wrong. Great potential though!

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  20. Yes, I like a rebel and love SF, so I'd keep reading. Although I wonder if another word beside "best" would hook me even more.

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  21. Yes.
    Hacking says this hero could get caught, so there's immediate tension. Like others, though, a hack being one of the best doesn't fit the way I use the word.

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  22. No. Hacking isn't super exciting by itself for me and this line doesn't hold any grounding in scene, which is usually what helps me get cozy with a story.

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  23. No
    - because calling a hack one of the best doesn't work for me.

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  24. YES

    I like the inside info voice... "it was the best". Sounds like I'm hearing a secret ;)

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  25. No. It's grammatically correct, but still a jumble of a sentence

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  26. No. I had to stop and figure out "Venusian". The sentence as a whole feels like it tells more than shows.

    Perhaps show the reader his hack attempt and breaking through the various security protocols. It would make Kade more active and let you ease the reader into your world.

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  27. Yes. It tells me Kade is probably an interesting character who leaves rough waters in her/his wake. I'd read on.

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  28. YES> What the heck is a Venusian? makes me want to read on.

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  29. Yes. I want to know Kade and I want to know what the Venusian maintenance system is all about. This first line should be the "best" hack.

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  30. Yes, because hacking is intriguing and this isn't the first time he's hacked, just the best time.

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  31. No- seems too ordinary- he's done it before

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  32. Yes - lures me in with the sci-fi elements and the promise of mischief

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  33. Yes. This sentence just struck me as funny, I like it.

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  34. No. Hacking evaluated as "one of the best" seems odd to me--makes me think he's not just getting into the system but causing mischief. That's not a character that grabs me.

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  35. No. If he's hacked this system many times before it doesn't feel very exciting.

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  36. Yes. For MG Science Fiction, this is great. Sets up some basic world-building and makes me want to know more about the world and what made this hack better than the last one.

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  37. Yes. I wouldn't say it sucked me right in, but "one of the best" was enough to make me ask what made it among the best and why was it just *one* of the best?

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  38. No. I think it may have been a 'yes' if you'd left off "but it was one of the best". That bit didn't really make sense.

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  39. yes. I think it establishes MC skill, some setting and a bit of danger. All good for less than 25 words.

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  40. No - It feels done to me, as if I've read this sentence structure before, only with different words.

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  41. No. It needs a quick little point as to what makes it "one of the best". For example "figuring out what he/she needs to do to control x thing" or "the information he/she obtained made it one of the best."

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  42. No. I feel like there are a lot of first lines like this, so for me it just doesn't stand out for originality.

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  43. No. There's too much I'm not sure of--especially "Venusian" and "one of the best."

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  44. No. I'm afraid nothing here comes across as original or particularly compelling. And even considering that you're trying to capture a young person's voice, I have to agree that 'one of the best' doesn't sound right.

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  45. Yes, I like the assumption it isn't this kid's first hacking rodeo ;)

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  46. No. It's because the first thing I asked myself is "Did you mean cracked (as in malicious security cracker) instead of hacked?" I know it is super nit-picky. Perhaps if there was a bit more to it to clarify which you mean.

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  47. Yes. Because it marks Kade down as a troublemaker, and I like troublemaking MCs :)

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  48. Yes.
    Sounds like fun with a clever protag.

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  49. No. It's the "ONE of the best" that throws me... if it's not "the best", then why are we starting here? If THIS wasn't "the best", then what's the compelling reason we're starting here, with this particular one, and if there is a compelling reason, why not lead with that instead of the incredibly vague "one of the best"?

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  50. No - I like the first part of the sentence, but "one of the best" is unclear and I think you could leave it out.

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  51. No.

    Like a lot of these, it's not story. It's preparation for the story. You're saying - This is what my story is about. Now get ready for the story.'

    Put Kade in a room and show him hacking, or show the chaos that came about because of what he did. Give us a first sentence that actually starts the story.

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  52. No. The sentence has an awkward rhythm to it that I found jarring, even reading silently.

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  54. Yes. It gives a lot of informtion in very few words. And raises interesting questions. Why a maintenance system? I'd read more. Helen

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  55. No, you could certainly drop the had and make a stronger first sentence.

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