Tuesday, April 15, 2014

First Line Grabber Round 2 #1

TITLE: Hildamay Humphrey's Incredibly Boring Life
GENRE: MG Fiction

Hildamay Humphrey was eleven years old, but I am sad to say that she was entirely unaware of that fact. Thinking she was an adult, she didn't begin her days as most eleven-year-olds do: eating breakfast with her family, going to school, playing with friends, cracking a ... well, you know what I mean. On the day that we meet her, she's waking up on a sunny morning, looking forward to the perfectly boring Tuesday ahead.


  1. I'm not loving this distant narrator voice, the obvious "I'm telling you a story" approach. Also not sure that it's best to start off with all the things she doesn't do in the morning. Most of the time, a list of ordinary morning activities isn't the best way to start a story, and a list of ordinary morning activities that the MC doesn't even do probably isn't better.

    I'm confused by "cracking a... well, you know what I mean." No, I don't. Cracking a joke? Cracking an egg? That kind of cutting off is usually a coy way to imply something naughty without actually saying it, but I don't get it.

    On the other hand, the idea of an eleven-year-old who thinks she's an adult is interesting. But I'll need to know soon if she literally thinks she's an adult, or if she's just a precocious girl of the "eleven going on thirty" type.

    Finally, when you get around to telling us what she actually does (instead of what she doesn't), it's waking up on a what she expects to be a boring day. That's not something that makes me want to keep reading.

  2. I saw this in the first round and was curious and liked it. However I'm also confused with the POV. Maybe this is just some kind of intro part, but from what I've read on this and other blogs, it's better to jump right into the action, especially with this age. Also, in the last line you changed the verb tense, so I found that a bit awkward. Good luck with your project!

  3. I like the voice and the approach but "to the perfectly boring Tuesday ahead" loses me. Nobody looks forward to that and now I find her unlikable.

  4. I have a very choosy sense of humor. I found myself chuckling already which is a good sign of whats to come.I like the voice and would be interested see where this story is going.

  5. I like the narrator technique. I'd read on to find out why she thinks she's an adult, and would hope it's revealed sooner rather that later. I suspect that what to her is boring is going to be anything but to the reader!

  6. Yes, the narrator voice is captivating. One suggestion: just tell how she did begin her day. That makes her unique.

    Good job.

  7. I'm sorry, but I'm not loving the narrator inserting herself into the story. Especially in every line. It makes this sound like a story for very young children rather than an eleven-year-old.

    Also don't like the promise of a boring story, not only in the title, but in the third sentence.

    The voice is very engaging. I also like the humor. But as it stands, Hildamay just feels too distant from the reader.

  8. I wouldn't get too hung up on the title - they get changed more often than not (I hear.) And something has to happen to have a story, so I'm going to assume on this day we meet Hildamay something the opposite of boring is going to happen to her.

    I like the writing and even though this is a bit of a set-up instead of a jump-into-action scene I would be curious enough to read a little further.