TITLE: Falling to Normal
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction
In December of 1993, it was official; I was no longer a ward of the State. After four and a half years being locked away, the time had finally come.
I looked at my uncle Andy, who nodded. He was sitting in a chair next to me, both of us across from Director Lady.
I couldn’t believe it. “I’m done?”
“We think it’s best you stay for another two weeks and continue with the program,” she said. “This is a probation period, Cheyenne. Craig has voiced his concerns regarding this move. You will need to continue with your therapy.”
I wrinkled my nose. “With him?” Craig was the psychiatrist on staff and looked like Jerry Garcia’s long-lost pedophiliac brother. Whenever I met with him, I couldn’t get past the way he looked and that made it hard for me to take anything he said seriously.
Andy spoke, his Canadian accent a little thicker than normal. “I’ve set up an appointment with Dr. Kleghorn.” I groaned before he quickly added. “She’s not like the one you ‘ave ‘ere.”
I didn’t want to examine my inner workings anymore, but if that was the condition on me leaving, I would suffer meeting the family therapist. “When do I need to go?”
“You have an appointment with her next week,” Director Lady said. “One of the direct care staff will bring you.”
“Great.” What else could I say?
“It will be under her recommendation whether or not your tenure in North Maltwood will be temporary.”
I think this could be interesting, but the writing might need a little work to get me into the room with your character.
ReplyDeleteI do like this parag -
Craig was the psychiatrist on staff and looked like Jerry Garcia’s long-lost pedophiliac brother. Whenever I met with him, I couldn’t get past the way he looked and that made it hard for me to take anything he said seriously.
I like that we know a lot about what's going on with these people right away. There's some conflict up front, and indication of both a short-term problem (the psychiatrist) and a longer-term problem (being released as ward of the state). I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown off by the whole thing starting with December 1993. At first I thought this should be Adult Fiction looking back? Maybe Dec '93 plays an important role later, but it dated the book for me immediately. Do you need the date if we find out in the next sentence the "locked away" time?
ReplyDeleteThe "ward of the State" situation right off the bat is good and has me curious, but I'm not sure I would continue.
This doesn't pull me in mostly because I am confused.
ReplyDeleteIs this first part a flashback from an adult character to 1993 when she was a teen? If so, I'm not sure it's YA.
Or is it set in 1993? If so, I'd find a different way to get that information in, so it doesn't seem like a flashback.
And if she is being released from juvenile detention - ie, not a ward of the state anymore - then there would be required, official terms (which I think is what is happening, since it uses the word probation), but this reads like the continued therapy is a mere suggestion. Or is she leaving rehab? That wouldn't be "ward of the state" though...the terminology just feels confusing, as does who is doing the talking/laying down of terms.
So, I'm not really sure what is happening, and that hurts my ability to get interested and sucked in.
One nit-pick, in first person, be careful about describing the protagonist's expressions and facial reactions - we don't often acknowledge to ourselves those things - ie, "I wrinkled my nose" felt off in first person.
I think there could be a really engaging story here, especially if she is leaving juvenile detention or rehab, but revising for clarity would help make it more engaging I think.
good luck.
I was pulled in by the idea of being released as a ward of the state right off, but like others, the date 1993 threw me a bit. That's small, though. Perhaps it reveals its significance later.
ReplyDeleteIn the para. beginning with "I wrinkled my nose..." you have a lot of description and use the word "looked" twice. The Jerry Garcia example is the gem, so why not delete the next sentence and leaving us with that, knowing that the character wouldn't warm to him?
I also like that in this short piece you manage to set the stage for a lot of conflict. I could easily see how this book could begin with these few words on a single page and then leap forward into present day. Good work and yes, I'd keep reading this piece.
I like the premise, but thought the writing could have been a lot more eye-catching. Agree with other comments about the date. Think you don't need to say about the Canadian accent, that can come out later.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Loved the Jerry Garcia bit. Well-written. The only thing I found a little confusing was location -- she's no longer ward of the state, but they want her to stay 2 more weeks, her tenure in North Maltwood would be only temporary (is that the place she's been for 4 yrs?). Probably just me!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd really like to know more about this girl. I like that her voice is not the overdone, sneering teenager voice (I get enough of that at home).
ReplyDeleteLots of interesting story questions here. I was a little confused about the last sentence. Isn't she getting released? Is that related to the probation period?
I am officially intrigued here.
ReplyDeleteThis one really hooked me!
I think you have an interesting premise here, and I'm somewhat hooked, but not 100%. A few things that threw me off:
ReplyDeleteThe name Director Lady was a bit odd. It almost sounded like she's the director "lady," something a young child might say if they didn't know the director's name. I know it's just a name, but when you're picking names, why go for that one?
I didn't understand why they were releasing her if they want her to stay another two weeks. Your "ward of the State" made me think she was in prison, and prisons don't "suggest" that people stay. At least, I'm not aware of them doing so. So, maybe this is a rehab facility. But, your MC has been there for 4.5 years, so why will another two weeks matter? So I think if you clarify where we are, it would really help me, as a reader, get into the story. Plus, I'll know whether or not to trust the narrator. If she's in rehab, she might not be trustworthy, and I love a dishonest narrator...makes things more interesting.
Didn't grab me, but it has some stuff going for it.
ReplyDeleteIs the date necessary in the first line?
Plus ... too many characters to keep track of that soon: Cheyenne, Craig, Director Lady, Andy, Dr. Kleghorn.
Finally, I grew up in Canada, and Canadians don't speak that way!! That sounds more like a Cockney accent. I'd omit that, since it isn't necessary.
OK, that said, you start at a good part, with a significant change in the protagonist's life.
And there are lots of interesting questions raised: why a ward of the state/therapy what happens next?
I'm hooked. I was wondering if the person was a ward of the State because their parents were unable to take care of them, hence the therapy. But I'm sure we'll find out.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, but the Canadian accent part threw me off because I am Canadian and I sure don't talk like that and neither does anyone else I know.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, but I have a few questions:
ReplyDelete1). If the MC is no longer a ward of the state, why are they keeping her?
2). And if she has already been there for 4 and 1/2 years, does 2 weeks really add anything? Struck me as unlikely.
3). Why is this set in 1993? Unless there is a HUGE historical reason, this should probably be contemporary. NOTE: If there isn't a reason and this is set in 1993 just because, I would decline.
I thought you had a lot of good stuff here. We know right away who your character is, what her problem is and what she wants.
ReplyDeleteI would have also liked to have known where she was (what kind of facility) and why she was there.
The drawback for me was the first person. It's too telly for me, but that's probably just a personal thing.