TITLE: Flesh Tone
GENRE: YA/cross-over- Dark Romantic Suspense
I never imagined such devastating sorrow. Beginning in my head and reverberating to my toes. The focal point of this exorbitance is right in the center of my body. I don’t have a heart so it doesn’t originate there, and I never imagined having a soul. Its origin is the uninhabited depths of my being. I feel vacuous.
As hollow as a monster would be.
Except that I don’t intend to be. None of us do.
And I didn’t even know this kind of anguish could exist. I have been numb for so long, that this feels like torture. My stomach is in shreds, my head throbs, and my insides are wounded. I no longer care about nourishment to re-gain my strength. My body and my mind cannot handle it. If I feed I will take on human essence-a brief flicker of intense energy. But anything stronger than what I am feeling right now would finish me.
And I am feeling it all on my own. How could that be?
You see, we came here under unusual circumstances and we mean no harm to humans. But if they knew about us, and saw us in our primal state, they would recoil in horror! We have been portrayed so viciously in movies and books. And many of us are that monstrous.
But not our kind.
I think your vocab may be a little intense for YA. You might want to cut some of the description - pick your fav images and rely on them. You could probably tighten this entire section into less than 10 sentences and it would be more effective.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've got an interesting character and the makings of an interesting story line. Hope that helps - good luck.
Heheh - is it bad if I don't know the word 'exorbitance' but keep going back and eyeballing it? :]
ReplyDeleteI like this, but think it goes for too long. After 2 paragraphs I really wanted you to get to the 'real' start of the story.
Great descriptions and visuals, but there's so much, imho, maybe too much. I do like the last line of the section, I want to know what "our kind" is, but at the same time, I am wondering where this is all going.
ReplyDeleteYet another present tense! Wow. I'll do my best to look past it. (It's not my preferred tense.)
ReplyDeleteI think the second to last paragraph is what you need to start with. That tells us who/what this thing is that's talking, and starts to make us care about it.
Everything before that doesn't work, for me, because I have no idea who or what is talking, so I really don't care about his/her anguish. Here were my thoughts as I read:
The second sentence put me off. Not only is it not a complete sentence (and we're not in deep POV to make it work), I can't equate sorrow with "reverberating to my toes." Then, in the next sentence, I'm left trying to remember exactly what "exorbitance" means. (Most people consider me to have a very good vocabulary.) I know what vacuous means, but it jerked me out to have such a "big word" thrown in there. I don't like to have to use my mental dictionary when I read. Plus, "I feel vacuous" is very telling.
The next sentence about not having a heart or soul makes me wonder if this is symbolic, meaning that this creature is hardened to life and refuses to care about anyone or anything, or if it is a physical statement that he/she is a otherworldly being.
The two single sentence paragraphs feel overly dramatic. Somehow, I think they'd carry more drama stated simply.
He/she doesn't intend to be hollow, or intend to be a monster? I think you mean monster, but since "as a monster" is a simile describing his/her hollowness, that's what it's referring to.
The next paragraph feels long-winded. It's just too much on-and-on-and-on about how awful this being is, and we don't even know what type or sex it is to care.
"Feels like" is also very telling. "Regain" doesn't need a dash. You need a comma after "If I feed." The dash after essence should be an em dash, ie: -- And the exclamation point after horror doesn't work. That sentence is stating a fact, so it's declarative, so it needs a period.
Finally, I'm confused about the difference between "many of us" and "our kind." The distinction needs to be more clear.
As always, take however much of this helpful and toss the rest!
I am really confused by this...when I read monsters, no harm to humans, no heart...well, I think paranormal/fantasy.
ReplyDeleteBut knowing it can't be YA paranormal/fantasy in this SA contest, I have to think the character is psychotic. So then I am confused.
A little too much description for me, I got impatient and bogged down, but mainly I'm confused about what this is.
I will say, if I picked it up in the library, unless the over flap told me this wasn't paranormal/fantasy, then I would assume it was. :}
good luck.
I'm a bit confused as well. Although I like the eerie tone and writing flows well, there's no context for what's going on. What is the "devestating sorrow" all about? It's hard to feel pulled in to a story when I don't know what's going on. It's also hard to care about this character and his or her pain when right from the start you descibe him as someone with no heart. Granted, he may be a monster, but I'd like some reason to care about him if I'm going to read further.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph sucked me right in, but I started to lose interest in the 4th paragraph. I felt that there was some overexplaining about the sorrow, etc. Maybe there would be a way to tighten it up?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Emily that this sounds like Paranormal. In terms of cross-over fiction, it doesn't feel it right now. (But cross-over isn't a genre; there isn't a place for that in bookstores.)
There has been a couple of concerns over word choices, and I agree that there are a lot of large words. First paragraph has "devastating," "reverberating," "exorbitance," and "vacuous." I think as long as you're not hitting the reader over the head with SAT words, it would be fine.
Too emo for me. But I liked the bit about having no heart.
ReplyDeleteThis vocab is a little over my head... and I hold multiple lit degrees- so I wonder how a 16 year old would read it...
ReplyDeleteThere are several things that threw me off in this opening page. The first is the vocab. Think of your audience. How many teenagers do you know who use reverberating, focal point, exorbitance, etc.? Not many. Sure there are some, but not many. In fact, most adults wouldn't think that way. And since you're in first person POV, the words on the page represent the character's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe second is that this beginning totally brought back a Twilight moment for me. This isn't a good thing. Twilight was a hit because of the story, not because of the writing, and readers want something more original (I hope). Since you have the vocab and imagination to do it, I think you can pull off something more spectacular.
The third is that I'm wondering why you keep saying "many of us are monsters" but then "not our kind." This seems kind of backwards to me. If you're talking about "us" as monsters and then saying "we aren't monsters" that's a contradiction. Flip is around: "Many of my kind are that monstrous...but not us."
The final thing that threw me off is that I don't know what they are. Aliens? Vampires? There's no need to be vague here. That's a hook! Especially if you have something other than vampires.
The big picture: I could be hooked if you put in some more originality and were less vague.
I agree with the other posts. Although I do think it's a bit too wordy for YA, I am almost hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'd read further to see what type of creatures they really are.
Hope they're not vampires-
This is a little overwritten to me, and I don't hear a YA narrator in this excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI found myself thinking, "Okay, your kind is bad and humans are freaked out by you, but you're not really bad. Now let's get going!"
As this is written, I don't think I'd read further. However, if you tightened it up and got into the action quicker (and by action I'm not talking guns and bullets and running, necessarily, just the meat of the story), I may change my mind.
Best of luck!
Oh you guys are awesome! I see now that I totally over-wrote my first page! And by doing so, he somewhat lost his voice! I am guilty of going back to it again and again and changing it, trying to "amp it up" -but I could have left it more simple, like I had in the beginning. I know exactly what changes to make!
ReplyDeleteAnd no it is not vampires-and now I'm thinking about the Twilight reference- ouch! It's zombies, (a different kind who are able to assimilate)and this one is suddenly able to "feel"-so it might be Twilight-ish in the romance dept. but that's it.
And maybe I should call it "paranormal" romance- but I don't call it fantasy-b/c I don't think it fits that. I was told it is more "Koontz" like and so I went with suspense.
anyway-thanks again!
I so wanted to be hooked, but got lost in the words.... I think you can say it masterfully in have the words. Go for it! And.... I think it OK to use 'big words' in YA books ;-)
ReplyDeleteIf I already knew and cared about this character, this passage might work. As it is, though, the level of overwrought emotion makes me doubt that I'll like the narrator.
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening tease was too long. I was just saying to myself, 'c'mon, already. get to the point,' when you did, and that hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem with the vocabulary. It's told in first person, and the words your character chooses, tells us something about who he is, or in the case of a zombie, was. I don't think kids who read have any problem opening up a dictionary.
I'm hooked.
Not hooked--this seems a little overwritten for the genre. You can certainly use big words in YA, but I think--in all genres--if you are going to use a word your reader isn't use to, it had better be the PERFECT word to describe whatever it is *exactly*. I just don't think "exorbitance" or "vacuous" are perfect enough to justify losing some audience comprehension.
ReplyDeleteLikewise, no matter what synonym you use, feeling empty just isn't a particularly unique way of describing sorrow.
A decent start. There's a lot of explanations of feelings here that maybe could be demonstrated again (show/tell). Also, it's hard to picture or sympathise with the character since I don't know what he/she/it looks like.
ReplyDelete