TITLE: NILE
GENRE: YA - Fantasy (Diverse)
Our two moons once foretold that I would become Queen of Hieros,Sun of the Four Kingdoms. But I had never been light. In fact,darkness had never left me. I lived in the shadows,and ruled under the light.
My mentor Raeki stretched out his arms at the other end of the Stone Room,ready to attack. Ready to hurt.
“Piros!” A flame sprung from my fingertips,a blazing raindrop of orange heat that crept up my hands. I released the fire,allowing it to spread across the chamber like an uncaged tiger. In the always cold training room,only ten feet separated us and the rock wall,circling the space like a prison cell.
Although I had been practicing ‘The Mystic Arts’ for years,I still wondered how I didn’t get burned. I could not age. I could not die. The first time I generated fire with the power of my mind,I hadn’t said a word out of fear for three days. Now that my eighteenth Red Moon had passed,I was supposed to control my nature. Now I was supposed to become Queen.
"That's not enough,and you know it," said Raeki,as if he had read my mind.
"Don't pressure me." My hesitant voice echoed across the chamber.
You don't understand, I wanted to yell,but Raeki didn't care.
"I can do whatever I please," he said.
“Truenio!” A feast of sparks gathered over my hand as a storm of thoughts exploded in my mind, fear thundering within me like a laughing god.
But fear wasn't a god. Fear had a name: Arem.
I'm so confused. Maybe it's just me. That first paragraph seems to flip flop back and forth and not in a good way. Here's what I mean:
ReplyDeleteOur two moons once foretold that I would become Queen of Hieros,Sun of the Four Kingdoms. -- Ok, I get it. Cool, prophecies.
But I had never been light. -- This is where you lost me. I have no idea what that means. The light, as in, the sun? as in the Queen of Sun? *blank stare* Super confusion added in later when I read more and see she is practicing to harness fire? So...she is light?
In fact,darkness had never left me. -- Ok, got it, so she is supposed to be a Queen of light, in the sun, but she is dark... But she can create fire... Before stating things so black and white (pun not intended) I would maybe describe what darkness means in this world. What does it mean that the darkness never left her? Why is she dark when she can make fire?
I lived in the shadows,and ruled under the light. --How can she rule if she is not the Queen yet?
Also, I would not put The Mystic Arts in quotes.
I hope this helps. Overall, I think it's promising, you just have to remember while the story lives vividly in your head, it does not in ours and therefore you really have to work to make things clear. Good luck.
Yes! So much better. It's hard, especially for fantasy, to make your world and characters clear to others--trust me, I know! Keep up the great work.
DeleteThe voice is strong, but I'm a bit lost. Are they practicing? Are they fighting to the death?
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but to think this story might be better told, and more clear, if told in some form of third person. I know, that's a big deal and hard to judge on 250 words, but it was my first impression.
There is a lot to like here. I was getting a Robert Jordan, Wheel of Time, vibe.
Personally, I like the first paragraph and it doesn't bother me that it's a little ambiguous. The flavour or atmosphere still comes across. The paragraph I'm not sure about is the 4th one which has a lot of exposition. For me, the main problem with the 4th paragraph is that it takes us from she might become queen, which is quite intriguing, to she'll definitely become queen. Instead of wondering what's going to happen next, I now feel as though I know the outcome of the first part of the story... Possibly you could save the information in this paragraph for later on?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kate that your first paragraph is confusing, but you seem to have already taken care of that with your fitting edit in the response! The fourth paragraph has a similar problem. It seems like a non sequitur to jump from your MC wondering why she doesn't burn to talking about her immortality. I don't think the two are connected based on context clues, but your structure makes it seem like they are. Look out for that kind of misstep when you revise.
ReplyDeleteI think my biggest concern with this scene is that I don't really feel the tension. You took the common--and excellent--advice to start your book with action, but I don't think that a sparring match works for this purpose. You have a lot of action, but it's practice action, and that takes a lot of the tension out of it. By contrast, the real tension here is the fact that your MC doesn't want to become queen and/or doesn't feel worthy or prepared. You're getting at that with their dialogue and the MC's narration, but the sparring detracts (or at least distracts) from it.
Perhaps instead of having it be a sparring match, if it was a calmer, more controlled display of magic, you could allow that narrative tension and conflict to take the forefront. If she has to maintain a consistent blaze while carrying a conversation with her mentor in order to display control, for example.
Thanks for entering your work!
I like this so much better. This is the first time reading it for me, but it cleared up any confusion I had. It sounds like an intriguing story!
ReplyDelete