TITLE: BLOOD WILL TELL
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy
“How the hell am I supposed to collect my favor if I can’t find you?” Quinn’s voice was a tight whisper, her flashlight cutting a wide slice of landscape from the moon-silvered dark.
Birch, rowan, juniper, and pine were shadowy specters, but there was no trace of the man whose touch haunted her skin. The monster who’d tricked her into Faery and ruined her life, and her only chance of getting home. She inched forward and hesitated, cringing at the crunch and pop of leaf litter under her thick-soled boots. Insects chirped and twittered, a dull hum beneath the forest’s dark canopy. Quinn imagined sharp biting things with gossamer wings, blood-smeared mouths and yellow-eyes.
Another step and a dread chill pulled through her veins, begging her to turn back. A blast of frigid air ripped through her sweater. A chorus of rustling leaves gave a hiss of warning.
Fae magic at work.
Shivering, she picked up her pace, breaking into a quick jog—trying to outrun her nerves. The faint rumble of rushing water filtered through the trees and she recalled that same melody—musical accompaniment to Danjon’s slow seduction. Ducking under a low-hanging branch, she stumbled over a reaching root. The flashlight flew from her hand, light spinning. Hooking her arm around a tree trunk stole her momentum, kept her upright. She grimaced. Even through her sweater, the bark had scraped her skin raw.
Fresh blood.
As if there weren’t enough eyes on her already, now she’d sent a freaking invitation.
Hi :)
ReplyDeleteThis beginning does do a good job of making me ask questions I want the answers to (why is she in Faery? How did she get trapped there? Why did the guy trap her?) but I feel like the first half drops us into the action too quickly with no context. You set yourself up in a situation where you need to explain a lot very quickly, but can't because it would become an info dump.
What do you think about restructuring it more like this:
Shivering, Quinn picked up her pace and broke into a quick jog, trying to outrun her nerves. Birch, rowan, juniper, and pine were shadowy specters, but there was no trace of the man whose touch haunted her skin. She inched forward and hesitated, cringing at the crunch and pop of leaf litter under her thick-soled boots. Insects chirped and twittered, a dull hum beneath the forest’s dark canopy. Quinn imagined sharp biting things with gossamer wings, blood-smeared mouths and yellow-eyes.
To set the scene and introduce what she's doing (looking for someone) before we get any backstory (that she's been tricked into Faery) or dialogue.
Best of luck :)
Nicely done. I like the pacing, it sped me right along. We have instant conflict and a MC that we are getting to know right away. (Your use of third person limited works great here, IMO).
ReplyDeleteMy only negative (trying hard not to be a total cheerleader) is the Fae trope. Tricky fairies are like sexy vampires, badass angels, etc. That is entirely a "me" thing though. I'm not your target audience, and despite that, I read on. Good luck.
I like the idea Kalyn had of restructuring it. It might be a little smoother. I have to ask, did she just happen to have a flashlight with her when she was tricked into Faery? Not many people carry flashlights around. I do, but I've found most people think I'm odd. :)
ReplyDeleteQuinn, the MC, is very active but I think she needs a clear purpose. After reading this a few times, I'm not sure if she wants to collect the favor, find Danjon (these two could be connected) or escape?
ReplyDeleteTo me, this is too much going on and I don't feel much empathy with Quinn. Also it doesn't sound different to other Faery stories, which typically involve an unsuspecting human being somehow lured into the world of Fae, and either (a)having to pay the price or (b)departing with some kind of magical gift/treasure.
I understand wanting to open in an exciting place with plenty of action, but I think it might be better to start the story earlier, show the reader how Quinn got into this situation and convey a sense of what makes this story different.
Your writing here is very strong. The descriptions are rich, I get a clear setting, and your voice comes across clearly. You've also got a lot of well-written action, and there's inherent tension there, but I don't feel the tension is fully realized. I agree with other commenters that your MC needs a purpose. If we know what she's running from/towards and why, that ups the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say this (it is my least favorite critique to give) but this opening also doesn't feel different enough. I don't yet have a sense of what makes your story unique or innovative. Though to be fair, this could very well have to do with the nature of the contest--you guys don't have a lot of space, and the unique elements could be in the next paragraph for all I know.
That said, your writing is definitely strong enough to entice me to read more.
Thanks for the entry!