TITLE: A Complex Solution
GENRE: YA - Suspense/Romance
The din quieted. Amanda glanced down the hallway. Her heart pounded in her chest. Loser, the voices whispered. Should have been you. A million thoughts filled her head as she shuffled down the hallway, her legs wobbling with each step. She needed to do this. Quickly. She slipped one hand inside her pocket and pushed open the girls’ bathroom door with the other. Her heart stopped.
“Shouldn’t you be in class?” asked a girl leaning over the sink, touching up her mascara. Petite, with white-blonde hair, and dressed in a micro-mini and tank top, she turned and looked Amanda up and down, her lips pulled back over her dazzlingly white teeth. “How tall are you, like six feet? And so pale.”
Amanda froze, her fingers clutching the penknife in her pocket. She glanced away.
“C’mon, Jess, let’s go,” said the girl’s friend, smacking her freshly glossed lips together. “No time to waste on this loser.”
The two girls whirled around and headed out the door, their laughter echoing through the hallway.
Amanda tucked into the last stall and shut the door. She gripped the knife tighter. Tears stung the back of her throat. She promised herself she would try, but it was worse here than home. She drew the knife out, set the tip of the blade to her skin and pushed it in. Her heart raced as the blood bubbled out and streamed down her arm. She grit her teeth, as a tear rolled down her cheek. The pain was like fire in her veins.
Compelling opening, drew me right in. I like this girl already. I know "things" about her, but you didn't "tell". The dialoged was on point.
ReplyDeleteI love one word sentences that build tension:
She needed to do this. Quickly.
Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy for Amanda. I would like to know what happened just before this to set her off, even if you did with a "telling" kind of sentence that summarizes the scene prior to this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the dialogue, for me, raised some questions. In your tags, you don't give the two girls names, which would indicate to me that Amanda doesn't know their names, but the things that Jess says to her are too cruel to say to a casual stranger, which again makes me think there are things from before this opening that you might want to reveal to the reader even if you don't "show" them. If Jess is Amanda's nemesis already, have Amanda show/think some kind of negative reaction specific to it being Jess, rather than random strangers who interfere with her need to cut herself. If Jess doesn't already have some history with Amanda, then she and her friend drift into caricatures of the evil, bitchy, mean (and probably popular) girls at school.
You have three references to "heart" here (pounding, stopped, racing)-maybe change at least one to another visceral reaction.
I am not sure if starting with such a visceral beginning is the best place to start, but it builds sympathy in the reader.
Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy for Amanda. I would like to know what happened just before this to set her off, even if you did with a "telling" kind of sentence that summarizes the scene prior to this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the dialogue, for me, raised some questions. In your tags, you don't give the two girls names, which would indicate to me that Amanda doesn't know their names, but the things that Jess says to her are too cruel to say to a casual stranger, which again makes me think there are things from before this opening that you might want to reveal to the reader even if you don't "show" them. If Jess is Amanda's nemesis already, have Amanda show/think some kind of negative reaction specific to it being Jess, rather than random strangers who interfere with her need to cut herself. If Jess doesn't already have some history with Amanda, then she and her friend drift into caricatures of the evil, bitchy, mean (and probably popular) girls at school.
You have three references to "heart" here (pounding, stopped, racing)-maybe change at least one to another visceral reaction.
I am not sure if starting with such a visceral beginning is the best place to start, but it builds sympathy in the reader.
I really like the tension you've set. Quick sentences to draw in the reader. I'm not so sure about the dialogue from the other girls. It sounds a bit forced. I know it happens all the time, the mocking comments, but the "And so pale" and "No time to waste on this loser" doesn't sound like a likely comment from such a quick interaction. The rest I think sounds great. You give a strong presence for the MC right away.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
This is a very stirring opening. Well written, intriguing, and a great setup for conflict and the action of the story. I think my favorite bit was the "Should have been you." It immediately had me interested--what happened and to whom?--and I like that you left it dangling and unanswered for the time being.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Melissa that having the girls be completely anonymous took me a little out of the story. I can accept that they know who Amanda is when she doesn't know their names--it certainly seems that Amanda is notorious for one reason or another--but perhaps you can give an indicator that she recognizes them from a class or lunch period.
I'm not positive how I feel about the choice to open with a depiction of self harm or [attempted] suicide, but I suspect that has more to do with my personal preferences than any flaw in your writing (I tend to have difficulty with stories that depict suicide or rape in their opening scenes). In either case, I would certainly keep reading if this was a submission in my inbox!
Thanks for your entry!
I dig it. Well, I'm evil, so of course I do. But it hits the right points. Definitely not for everyone, but it got my attention (and remember, I'm evil. Cookies for you.) I immediately start thinking of where this will go. I bit the hook.
ReplyDelete