TITLE: The Menagerie
GENRE: YA - Speculative Fiction - Adult Crossover
I shouldn’t have left the hotel room.
“Gentlemen! We have a special treat for you today! Feast your eyes on this pure-
I feel colder than some wingless bird in the middle of winter—even after the
spotlight scoops me up into its glow. As soon as they unveil my cage, I hear the
murmured ripples from an appreciative crowd. Though my display is segregated from the
main district areas, I can still make out the other girls in their pittances of lingerie behind
their own windows. Some kneel prostrate—younger ones mostly—while others tap on
the windows like a never-ending S.O.S, luring the attention of clients.
Every Glass District is different. This one is just fancier with its cobbled
pathways, gothic 14th century architecture, and expensive restaurants. However they dress
it up, to me, every district is just a yawning cavern ready to swallow its patrons whole.
The districts wear lust on their sleeves. Roll those sleeves up, all you will find are bruises
and brands on silken skin and needle marks confessing the art of submission and coping.
Skyways crisscross above my head where more advertisements beckon tourists to
view the district from the second level. Suspended just above my display are a series of
viewing boxes where the skyways all convene. Wealthier clientele rent these—those
interested in more than just one night, those with a more driven purpose. Some scout for
theaters, some for private clubs, or Museums like the infamous Temple; I shudder to consider that notion.
Prospective clients fill the viewing boxes.
I like the tone. I'm getting a Logan's Run type of vibe, which is a good thing (If you haven't read the book, it's a good one). I am a little worried about this being a YA though. (Maybe that's the point?) It seems that some real adult themes may be taking place. That's been done before with violence (Hunger Games, etc)and I am a little on the prudish side when it comes to sex, so...
ReplyDeleteThis confused me a bit:
Feast your eyes on this pure-
I feel colder than some wingless bird in the middle of winter—even after the
spotlight scoops me up into its glow. As soon as they unveil my cage, I hear the
murmured ripples from an appreciative crowd.
I had to read it twice to get that there was a break between the an outside speaker and the main characters internal dialoged. Is there a missing (")?
Loved this:
The districts wear lust on their sleeves. Roll those sleeves up, all you will find are bruises
and brands on silken skin and needle marks confessing the art of submission and coping.
I might start with this. I think I need more info in the beginning to know where I'm at.
Dear Miss. Snark:
ReplyDeleteI'm not certain what happened because I triple-checked everything when I submitted to ensure the piece had copied over perfectly, but there is a gap of information in the dialogue missing at the beginning. I am very thorough in my submissions, so I'm guessing it was a random computer/network error. Below is the dialogue sentence in full. Thank you.
"Feast your eyes on this pure-blooded beauty!"
Okay, that clears it up for me. I knew something had to be missing! I am intrigued by this opening. Good luck!
DeleteThank you, I was actually represented formerly by ZSH until my agent left to pursue a different career and am seeking new representation. The book has actually gone under two major revisions from a professional freelance editor as well as an agent, and I've received a lot of support from anti-trafficking organizations and mental health workers and educators. The goal of The Menagerie is to raise awareness to sex-trafficking in interest of education and prevention for teenagers.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really difficult one for me to judge because the manuscript has actually been with my agency, so I know what happens beyond this entry. It's hard to separate your opening from how I know the story and your style progress.
ReplyDeleteThat said, your tone is excellent and you do a lot of groundwork for the world building with this opening. You've also got gorgeous descriptive writing. This opening kept me reading the first time around, and it still has that effect.
Thanks for entering!