TITLE: FALL OF THE TUNETELLERS
GENRE: YA - Fantasy
Galatrin stifled a scream as cold fingers closed over her mouth.
“Not a sound, dear one.” Warm breath filled her ear, sending a shiver down her spine. “We must prepare to leave.”
Queen Lofstra came into focus beside her. She dropped her hand and looked at Galatrin, her eyes smoldering in the candlelight.
“Mother, what is it?” Her heart pounded in her chest.
“We’re under attack.” The queen picked up the small taper beside Galatrin’s bed, her hands trembling but her voice filled with resolve.
Galatrin couldn’t recall a time her mother appeared more tired or distraught. Her skin was pale and thin, with veins visible just under the surface. The bags under her eyes drooped from lack of sleep.
“Are they inside, Mother?” How was that possible? Isenford was an impenetrable fortress. Enemy forces could not have overrun the outer defenses in a matter of hours. Galatrin tried to wrap her tired mind around what her mother was saying.
“Yes, it appears we’re under attack from within. I know it’s difficult to understand. Isenford has always provided safety and refuge. But now…”
“Why now?”
The queen sighed as she fidgeted with the large, stuffed satchel at the end of the bed.
“Only Ador knows. Your father feared an attack would occur in our lifetime.” Her eyes seemed to briefly wander to a place Galatrin couldn’t reach.
“But now, we must move swiftly. Everything else you need for your journey can be acquired downstairs.” The queen gently grasped her daughter’s hand.
The first sentence gave me the impression she was being attacked. So it took me a couple of reads to realize it was her mother. Consider setting the scene first where MC is probably cowering in bed, worried, before her mom enters. Then go on to the dialogue. Nice characterization, btw.
ReplyDeleteI concur with Suja. I also believed Galatrin was being attacked. I even read the "not a sound, dear one," in a creepy/cruel voice. "Cold fingers" make me think of an evil person. Perhaps you could describe Mother's touch as warm to give readers a clue that Galatrin needn't be afraid. Nevertheless, I am intrigued. The fantasy elements in this novel are obviously going to be interesting and captivating.
ReplyDeleteI like your descriptions in this passage, particularly of the queen. I agree with Suja that the first sentence leads to a sense of more imminent danger and could use a set up. We don't know that Galatrin's been in bed asleep until the 5th paragraph. Consider substituting "sleepy" for "tired" in the paragraph where Galatrin wonders how the attackers got inside. I really like the caring relationship you show between mother and daughter.
ReplyDeleteI like your descriptions in this passage, particularly of the queen. I agree with Suja that the first sentence leads to a sense of more imminent danger and could use a set up. We don't know that Galatrin's been in bed asleep until the 5th paragraph. Consider substituting "sleepy" for "tired" in the paragraph where Galatrin wonders how the attackers got inside. I really like the caring relationship you show between mother and daughter.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion is to allow your characters to feel/do something while talking instead of breaking it up into different sentences.
ReplyDeleteExample: "Mother, what is it, " she asked, her heart pounding.
Also, her mother can declare they are under attack while picking up the taper vs. making it seem she can only do one thing at a time. A writing instructor once told me to allow characters to " walk and chew gum"at the same time:)
I like this beginning, once I got past the confusion over the first few lines. Also, consider dropping 'shiver down her spine'. If I read a cliche so early in a book, I'm immediately concerned that I'll be force fed them over the next 300 pages.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to say that this didn't grab me. Even though there's tension inherent in the premise of this scene, I didn't feel it. Your voice seemed distant--a little too removed from the character's feelings. You describe Galatrin's heart pounding and observe that the queen looks exhausted and distressed, but that didn't translate to me as a reader in a meaningful fashion.
ReplyDeleteI also thought you took a little too much time to tell the reader that Isenford is such a mighty fortress. Having both characters ponder--in thought or aloud--how safe it has always been, one right after the other, feels inorganic. Its understandable that it's inhabitants would reel from being invaded, but you could convey that in fewer words and with more oomph. As it is now, the asides too me out of the moment.
Thank you for your entry!
I liked this entry. The names were unique but easy to read, and from the first 250 words, it's a story I would want to read. I think you can do some things to make it stronger and other commenters have given you some good advice.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I noticed was that some of your dialogue doesn't seem realistic and downplays the intensity of the scene. For example, I think a panicked mother wouldn't stop to discuss the details to her child. She would probably want to just get her child out of there as quickly as possible. Perhaps some of this dialogue could occur as they rushed down a dark hallway or inside Galatrin's mind as she ran. The queen's sigh, her fidgets with a satchel, and her gentle grasp of her daughter's hand at the end all seem to downplay the urgency. I'm no queen, but if my child's life was in imminent danger, I wouldn't be holding on to her hand with a gentle grasp.
You have some strong descriptions, and I think you can make a few adjustments to make this really work. Good luck!