TITLE: Jessamine Rose, Monster Hunter
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy
May 16, 1854
Bloomsbury, London
Rain began to fall, drumming against the windowsill, its music somber and haunting. Each plip plop beat in time with Jessamine Rose's heart. Time marched forward, bringing with it yet another funeral. First Father, now Philip…
Frozen, lifeless, eyes shut and limbs not moving... Philip had never sat still, always drumming his fingers, pacing the floor. Seeing her brother in the coffin brought tears to her eyes. Blinking did not banish them.
The funeral commenced and finished without Jessamine hearing a word. Some might have questioned her presence, but Philip had been all she had left. She would not abandon him, not now, not ever.
A familiar lump formed in her throat, and she struggled to swallow past it. Dorothea, her dearest friend, was a rock by her side, but still, Jessamine felt isolated. No father. No mother. No brother.
No family.
After the funeral, she could not bring herself to return to her empty house.
No matter how much she had pried, Inspector Wilkins Pontisbury only gave her a general location for where her brother had been located. At first, she had only intended for a nightly stroll to settle her nerves and provide some relief, but she soon realized her feet were leading her toward those alleys the inspector had mentioned.
Jessamine pressed on with purpose now, her boots clacking against the cobblestone. Shops, saloons, this part of town was far poorer than Bloomsbury, a section she had never ventured through alone before.
May 16, 1854
ReplyDeleteBloomsbury, London
Rain began to fall, drumming against the windowsill, its music somber and haunting. Each plip plop beat in time with Jessamine Rose's heart. (I like this as an opening. You immediately bring the reader into the character’s surroundings.) Time marched forward, bringing with it yet another funeral. (This next sentence is a bit confusing because it makes it feel as if time has elapsed since Jessamine sat/stood next to the rainy windowsill.) First Father, now Philip…
Frozen, lifeless, (no comma) eyes shut and limbs not moving (Unmoving?)... Philip had never sat still, always drumming his fingers, pacing the floor. Seeing her brother in the coffin brought tears to her eyes. (and) Blinking did (could) not banish them.
The funeral commenced and finished without Jessamine hearing a word. Some might have questioned her presence, but Philip had been all she had left. (Okay, great. This part creates intrigue because one would wonder why people would question her presence at her own brother’s funeral.) She would not abandon him, not now, not ever.
A familiar lump formed in her throat, and she struggled to swallow past it. Dorothea, her dearest friend, was a rock by her side, but still, Jessamine felt isolated. No father. No mother. No brother.
No family.
After the funeral, she could not bring herself to return to her empty house.
No matter how much she had pried, Inspector Wilkins Pontisbury only gave her a general location for where her brother had been located (murdered? Found dead?). At first, she had only intended for a nightly stroll to settle her nerves and provide some relief, but she soon realized her feet were leading her toward those alleys the inspector had mentioned.
Jessamine pressed on with purpose now, her boots clacking against the cobblestone.(passing) Shops, saloons, (period and start a new sentence if you feel it sounds right.) this part of town was far poorer than Bloomsbury, a section she had never ventured through alone before.
(Sounds interesting so far. You've provided enough detail and action for me to want to continue reading. Best of luck!)
I agree with what Vanessa said...
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the sentence "Philip had never sat still..." I would get rid of the "had". And watch out for phrases that mark time and pull the reader out of the narrative: "After the funeral" and "At first." And I don't think you need "but she soon realized".
Interesting start. I'd keep reading. Good luck.
Oooh, just the date got me hooked. Lol! I love your opening and I am interested in the main character and what is to come of her life, however your writing can be tighter. For instance, "Rain began to fall, drumming against the windowsill, its music somber and haunting." can easily be converted to "rain drummed against the windowsill, somber and haunting." As well, you use "had" unnecessarily. With a little re-wording and cutting out the passive verbs, you can weave a tighter story. For instance, "had pried" can simply be "pried." "Were leading" can simply be "led." Also, try to stay away from the duplicate verbs. You used "drumming" twice, and it's just the first page. Same with "location" and "located."
ReplyDeleteI don't want to sound like a nit-picker, but tighter writing goes a long way. I only left such a long comment, because this story has really left me intrigued.
I think you spend too much time on the funeral. If she is a monster hunter, give me some monstrous references right off the bat. Was her brother killed by some Lovecraftian creature?
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by these monsters. I want to jump right in. This could be as simple as one sentence like, "Damn that Garglepuss and his poisonous fangs." That brings up many questions and gets the mind working, making the reader more invested in the plot.
You've got good writing here, but I think you may have started your story too early. You begin at the funeral, skim over it while imparting some important details, and then move to Jessamine walking towards the alley where her brother was found. It sounds like the meat of your book will start in that alley, so start there.
ReplyDeleteWhy not begin with "After the funeral Jessamine could not bring herself to return to her empty house"? If you transplant a few details from your opening paragraphs--that she has no remaining family and felt isolated--you can move right on from there.
Thank you for this entry!