TITLE: Megathon
GENRE: YA - Alternate History
A simple postcard with an old-fashioned stamp navigated the space between the Two Worlds and joined a towering pile in the State Sorting Office in the Northworld city of Icebraker. A pretty worker picked it up. As she scanned it, her face paled and she immediately pressed a button to get a supervisor’s attention. The supervisor took one look at the postcard and put it straight onto the Eyes Only tray. Ten minutes later an Eye picked it up and passed it to the Left Eye, who perused it grimly. His hand hovered over the Destruction Chute as he exchanged glances with his partner.
“Wait,” said the Right Eye. “Let this one play.”
With a deft flick of his wrist, the Left Eye tossed the postcard into the Delivery Chute.
Two days later, Nick descended into the staff canteen, deep in the bowels of the Special Mission, and swore softly when he saw the length of the lunchtime line. By the time he plonked his tray down opposite his mother, and eased himself awkwardly into a heavy wooden chair, she’d finished her meal and was sipping a grainy coffee.
She tossed the postcard onto his tray.
“This came for you today.” Her tone was disapproving.
Nick picked it up and burst out laughing.
“Relax, Ma, it’s just a joke.”
It was the best one yet.
Riordan had sent a black card with the word PARANOID written in bold white script across it and a pair of white cartoon-like eyes underneath.
The opening paragraphs read very much like a prologue, which I know is frowned on, but in this case helps the reader to know we are not in this world. There is so much info packed into the first sentence: Two Worlds (is that literally two worlds?), State Sorting office (which makes me think this is a "Big Brother" type of tale), Northworld (again is this a new name for someplace on earth, or a name of someplace not on earth?) Then I wonder if the names Left Eye and Right Eye are necessary (as in will they figure later in the book?).
ReplyDeleteExcept for saying that Nick and his mother are in the bowels of the "Special Mission" the rest of the passage could be a contemporary story, though there's no hint of Nick's age and since he's in the staff canteen, I assume he's employed, which would make me think adult except your label is YA. Really we don't get any background (or a last name) for Nick.
I think the excerpt cuts off a little too soon for the postcard thing to make sense. Obviously, it's important, but why? I wonder if you started with Nick and his mother and dropped a hint of what world they're in (like a bit of explanation of what the Secret Mission is) if that might not be a better start. My guess is that Nick and his friend somehow are going to challenge the world order, but how the postcard could be that significant is a little mystifying.
I do like the mood of the opening bit.
The opening paragraphs read very much like a prologue, which I know is frowned on, but in this case helps the reader to know we are not in this world. There is so much info packed into the first sentence: Two Worlds (is that literally two worlds?), State Sorting office (which makes me think this is a "Big Brother" type of tale), Northworld (again is this a new name for someplace on earth, or a name of someplace not on earth?) Then I wonder if the names Left Eye and Right Eye are necessary (as in will they figure later in the book?).
ReplyDeleteExcept for saying that Nick and his mother are in the bowels of the "Special Mission" the rest of the passage could be a contemporary story, though there's no hint of Nick's age and since he's in the staff canteen, I assume he's employed, which would make me think adult except your label is YA. Really we don't get any background (or a last name) for Nick.
I think the excerpt cuts off a little too soon for the postcard thing to make sense. Obviously, it's important, but why? I wonder if you started with Nick and his mother and dropped a hint of what world they're in (like a bit of explanation of what the Secret Mission is) if that might not be a better start. My guess is that Nick and his friend somehow are going to challenge the world order, but how the postcard could be that significant is a little mystifying.
I do like the mood of the opening bit.
Grr, blogger just ate my crit so I'll try again. The beginning does help us get to know the world, but it is a little distancing and could be off putting to readers. As it is I would give it a little longer before deciding to whether or not to put it down. Just make sure this is the right beginning for the book.
ReplyDeleteI think you do a great job of communicating tone in this opening, and you've provided a solid start for your world building, but otherwise I'm afraid this isn't quite working for me. I typically find summary-style openings to be unsuccessful, and I think this falls into that category. It doesn't bother me so much in your first paragraph, but when Nick walks into the canteen, it continues. Why start with him walking in if you're going to summarize his actions until he sits down? Why not just start with him plonking his tray on the table? I don't need to know a blow-by-blow. Just the important things.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your entry.