Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 19

Riven snapped the unsuspecting guard's neck and dropped the corpse. He
held his breath, hoping for a sign the other soldiers had noticed.

18 comments:

  1. "Riven snapped the unsuspecting guard's neck and dropped the corpse. He
    held his breath, hoping for a sign the other soldiers had noticed."

    Did he WANT the guards to notice?

    I do like how the victim in sentence one goes from "the guard" to "the corpse".

    :) Terri

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  2. Well, now that wasn't very nice of Riven.

    I'd read on because I'm curious why Riven would want the other guards to notice. But I also agree with Terri -- corpse seems a little off here.

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  3. re: Anonymous - Something tells me Riven's strong points don't include any flavors of "nice"

    I'd prefer "dropped him [with a thud?]", skipping the word corpse and adding confirmation that yes, he is trying to get the "other soldiers'" attention

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  4. Oh, and I'd certainly read on! : )

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  5. I would read on, definitely! I like the word corpse - fits well here. I'm wondering if he wants the guards to notice. That's what would keep me reading.

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  6. I like how this presents Riven's inner contradiction immediately and has the reader wondering why he wants to be noticed.

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  7. Great start. It reads very smoothly. I'd be intrigued enough to read more, to find out what Riven is up to. I hope it's not too bloody.

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  8. Thanks, all! Yep, he's trying to be noticed. ;) That's expanded on a bit more through the chapter, as I didn't want to overload it at the start.

    LOL @ nice. :D

    Thanks again, everyone!

    ~Merc

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  9. *depends on where he dropped the corpse, I suppose... *

    Yes, I'm hooked.

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  10. corpse = his dead body?


    Otherwise, I'd read on. :)

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  11. Great opening sentence. The second confuses...he wants to be noticed? I guess I'd have to keep reading to figure it out.

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  12. This doesn't make sense. If he wants to get noticed, he shouldn't hold his breath, but start whistling or shouting.
    Why would I care for someone who apparently kills people in order to get noticed? My kids also do stuff to draw attention to them, but I draw the line at bloodshed.
    I'd need to understand fast what is going on, or I would not flip the page.

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  13. Not so much. Without giving me any reason not to like the guard, I immediately don’t like Riven for what seems to be a senseless kill. I wouldn’t likely be hooked by this brutal opening.

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  14. The novelty of his *wanting* to get attention does pique my curiosity. I'd read on.

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  15. Thanks for the comments, all! :D

    I'm quite pleased I more or less got the reaction I was hoping for--the hook that is based in why he wants to be noticed. (And, hopefully, why he's not doing more to GET noticed.) I guess the blurb probably explains that but if you just flipped the cover open and read, the reaction of 'wait, why does he do that?' is what I hoped for. :)

    Much appreciated, all. B-)

    ~Merc

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  16. GREAT opening! Action, characterizations, and setting/genre, all in two sentences. I can already see the scene taking place in my head. I'd absolutely read on.

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  17. I think "unsuspecting" might be overkill (no pun intended). We never had a chance to know the guard, and it's too late to care about him now. Does it matter if he suspected he was about to be offed? ;-)

    Otherwise that first sentence is dynamite: nice rhythm; great visual. Love it! I can't decide whether I'm confused by or curious about the second, but I'd read on.

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