Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 53

I locked eyes with my fellow job candidate, trying not to smile at his surprise. "Yes, I'm serious. Turn around."

16 comments:

  1. I totally want to know what happens!

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  2. I'm intrigued. I would definitely read on.

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  3. Hooking and I'd read on.

    However, I do feel that "trying not to smile at his surprise" is very telly and meh. I'd like to see this bit polished or removed.

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  4. I'd remove "at his surprise", or change the whole phrase to "trying to surpress a smile" or something. But, really, I like it. Good job!

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  5. Yes. This sounds strong and promising. Nice job. ;]

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  6. Uhm...maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what's going on.

    Who is saying turn around? The MC or his/her fellow job candidate?

    Why would you tell a fellow job candidate to turn around?

    I'm confused. Not hooked.

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  7. I want to know where that's going! Very good.

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  8. Wow, cheeky character. I'm definitely intrigued and want to find out more.

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  9. Interesting. I'd definitely read on.

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  10. I’d bite. At least for the next page and then decide again from there.

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  11. Okay, Dusty Muffin, if you insist. :)

    On my blog, there's a link on the right-hand side to "Go Small or Go Home". The first chapter of the book can be found at that link, and I'd love feedback!

    And I'm sorry I lost you, fairchild, and thanks for the comments from several others on polishing suggestions.

    Heather

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