Skippy skidded down the marble corridor to the grand hall. Names on the wall - etched in eldritch red fire - flashed, updating as final exams were graded.
I had a bit of trouble with the dashed inset in the second sentence. It slowed me up trying to get the meaning. Overall though, the content is a nice hook.
You know how much I ADORE this novel, right? O:) The first two lines aren't entirely hookable, as I guess I would just like to see some of the wonderful humor here right at the start--but the tension from exam results is a good way to start too. Anyway. Long live Skippy the Warlord!
Didn't get it. It felt like you were so close to what you wanted to say, but didn't quite get there. it's lighthearted and I might read on to see if the next part captures my attention.
Skippy… what a name. Combine that with the description “skidded” and I instantly thought Skippy was a dog. The second sentence grabbed me though. It sounds like a magical school, what with marble corridors and red fire etchings. It took two or three readings before I liked this enough to want to know more though. And it does sound like a neat place/set-up. A little retooling is all…
I'm not hooked quite yet. I'd probably read on to see where this is going, but therre's no clear tension other than the final exams, which isn't really "hooky" yet, IMHO.
Skippy skidded threw me. I thought we were talking about very young kids, until we hit the second sentence regarding finals. Also, I had to read that second sentence several times to get its meaning.
I think maybe that you are trying too hard, expecting too much from these two sentences. Maybe back off a little and give Skippy some tension.
I'd have to read more of this to see if it's as humorous as the first sentence would like me to believe. The alliteration in the first two words was a bit off-putting, but they skidded by so quickly the effect wasn't fatal. :-)
"Skippy skidded"...I couldn't get past that.
ReplyDelete:) Terri
Though it seems the intent, the alliteration of the first two words is a bit too silly.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for the fun mix of magical fantastics and mundane-world events like college exams. I'd read on to see if the story can spin it well.
I'd read on, definitely, but I'd chose a different word than "skidded."
ReplyDeleteI like the alliteration. I think it sets up the feel of the story - fun to read and kinda silly. If that accomplishes your goal, then keep it.
ReplyDeleteI think the second sentence could use some editing, though. I had to read it twice.
I'd keep reading. :)
I had a bit of trouble with the dashed inset in the second sentence. It slowed me up trying to get the meaning. Overall though, the content is a nice hook.
ReplyDeleteYou know how much I ADORE this novel, right? O:) The first two lines aren't entirely hookable, as I guess I would just like to see some of the wonderful humor here right at the start--but the tension from exam results is a good way to start too. Anyway. Long live Skippy the Warlord!
ReplyDeleteNames etched on the wall in eldritch red fire flashed as the final exams were graded. <- played with the wording a little.
ReplyDeleteI liked the Skippy skidded. You would have been in big trouble though if you put Skippy skipped though. :]
Didn't get it. It felt like you were so close to what you wanted to say, but didn't quite get there. it's lighthearted and I might read on to see if the next part captures my attention.
ReplyDeleteIt's not my genre, so I wouldn't read on, but I like the tone of the piece.
ReplyDeleteSkippy… what a name. Combine that with the description “skidded” and I instantly thought Skippy was a dog. The second sentence grabbed me though. It sounds like a magical school, what with marble corridors and red fire etchings. It took two or three readings before I liked this enough to want to know more though. And it does sound like a neat place/set-up. A little retooling is all…
ReplyDeleteI really like this one. Sounds like a book I'd like to read. =)
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked quite yet. I'd probably read on to see where this is going, but therre's no clear tension other than the final exams, which isn't really "hooky" yet, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteSkippy skidded threw me. I thought we were talking about very young kids, until we hit the second sentence regarding finals. Also, I had to read that second sentence several times to get its meaning.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe that you are trying too hard, expecting too much from these two sentences. Maybe back off a little and give Skippy some tension.
Average Readability Level: 7.82
ReplyDeleteAverage of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.5
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 5.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 8.3
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 11.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.2
I would read it just for the name Skippy, heh.
I'd have to read more of this to see if it's as humorous as the first sentence would like me to believe. The alliteration in the first two words was a bit off-putting, but they skidded by so quickly the effect wasn't fatal. :-)
ReplyDelete