Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 80

“Dillywhomp!” Percival Parichlock yelled, and then sucked his finger in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. He tore a strip from the hem of his tattered shirt and tied it around his wound.

25 comments:

  1. I'm not sure about 'staunch' . I know it also means "stop", but the popular usage of the word (loyal, tough) sort of gets in the way.

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  2. So far so good. I'd keeping reading!

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  3. I got caught up in the name and had to read it a few different times to get it. I'm not hooked.

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  4. I have to agree with Amanda.

    :) Terri

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  5. I'm feeling Harry Potter here. :)

    The "Dillywhomp!" made me laugh, and the Percival Parichlock was a mouthful. This seems satirical and funny. Good voice.

    I am a bit curious, though, if Mr. Parichlock is sucking on his finger, how does he manage to tear a strip from his shirt? It might seem a silly detail, but if you're building a world that I have to suspend disbelief to believe in (ala Harry Potter), then the simple things need to be accurate first. Starting with something like tearing a shirt one-handed catches me, when I personally find it difficult to get a shirt to tear easily with two hands. LOL

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  7. love the word "Dillywhomp" and the name "Percival Parichlock" but I agree with Jeannie, the tearing the shirt part needs work.

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  8. "Staunch" is an older form of "stanch." The older form is very common in the US South.

    "Dillywhomp" causes too much of areader's pause since it's a made-up cuss word. You'd do better to tell why he's yelling than concentrate on the moment after. I'd also use "yelp" rather than "yell" since it's a sound rather than a way of speaking.

    If this is a fantasy world, I doubt he'd be able to tear his shirt easily. Cloth made by hand or weave was a heck of a lot tougher than the cheap stuff we wear today.

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  9. Sounds silly, but I'm not sure what the rest will be like.

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  10. I got stuck on his name and couldn't get the whole sentence down in one gulp. Could he just be 'Percival' at this stage?

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  11. The name "Percival Parichlock" tickled my funny bone, but I sure stumbled over it. Maybe leave it at just Percival to begin with?

    And yeah, the tearing-the-shirt thing.... That's the kind of mistake -- along with expecting characters to have eyes in the backs of their heads -- I'm forever making, too.

    I'd expect this to be fun, so I'd keep reading. :-)

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  12. I'd keep reading. Dillywhomp was funny. The MC's name tripped me up.

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  13. I like it a lot. I want to read more and expect to be entertained. I grew up with "staunch" so I didn't stumble over that. And I love your made-up profanity. After reading comments about the shirt tearing, I went back to read it. You actually say he sucked his finger and then, in the next sentence, he tore his shirt. As I read it, I visualized it happening in that order. Obviously other readers ran these two sentences together when forming their visual.

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  14. I like it as well, and the names are fun. I agree with those who discussed the tearing of the shirt, though. It feels like his finger is still in his mouth.

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  15. Feels YA-ish to me, and if it's an absurd sort of YA, I think the name could work. Kids might get a kick out of that. This would've made it three sentences, but I'd recommend this:

    “Dillywhomp!” Percival Parichlock sucked his finger in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. He tore a ...

    The exclamation point makes it clear he yelled, and I guess I just like the "immediate" action rather than "yelled, and then..."

    I didn't catch the shirt-tearing bit, but maybe if it's already tattered, there's a bit hanging off that's easier to tear. *shrug*

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  16. I know that it's customary to call a character by their full name the first time they're introduced in the story. But having three very long words (two of which sound made up) right at the beginning of your first sentence is off-putting. If Percy has to say "Dillywhomp!" (rather than some shorter exclamation), consider finding another way to introduce his last name into the scene (a mate calling him by it?).

    I'm presuming from the tone of these sentences that your story is a historical comedy. :)

    I had no problem with staunch the way you used it, and it fits with the overall tone.

    Anyway, aside from stumbling over (and having to reread) the first three words, your opening hooked me, and I'd definitely read on to see what happens next.

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  17. Good start. Tension clear right from the start. Ditto on your protagonist in the scene. Yup, I'd keep reading.

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  18. Kinda funny. I'd probably read on to see why he's hurt and if he's a hick like his "swear word" makes him sound. But if the next part isn't more interesting, I'd probably quit reading.

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  19. I like it. It has a very YA feel -- like the story is something whismical and magical. I love "Dillywhomp."

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  20. I’m intrigued. I immediately want to know what Dillywhomp is. An insult? A swear word? A person (who injured Percival)? Next I want to know why he’s bleeding. You hooked me.

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  21. I'd read on for a bit anyway to see where it is going. The name was a bit of a mouthful though and I was thrown with 'staunch.' Not used to seeing it used in this manner. Raises some good questions about how he hurt himself.

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  22. I think the better word is "stanch" -- to stop the flow of. That's a secondary meaning for "staunch", but most people will think first of "loyal, trustworthy"....

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  23. Dillywhomp is a great word and would be fine used later. As the first word, however, it doesn't have enough context for me to interpret it correctly. I initially thought it was someone's name. Especially after I got to Percival Parichlock, it seemed perfectly reasonable a character might be named Dillywhomp.

    By the way, I also keep reading Parichlock as Parishclock.

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  24. Just wanted to thank everyone for the awesome crits! You all are wonderful. :)

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  25. Hmm, potential for a good voice here. Nothing drastically wrong, but nothing drastically hooky, either. I'd give it a few more paragraphs to see.

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