Miss Snark's First Victim
Sounds like YA here, not my thing, but I would read on.
It's hard to make a good hook in two sentences, but I think these two could be combined with the word 'because.' That would give you another sentence to expand on why the walls were suffocating, or have that be a small problem compared to what's outside.
The first is meh, imo; I'd like to see this start with the second.The second has conflict, tension, and personality all neatly packed in. That one's on the right track for hooking. More like that for your wulfish reader.
I agree with Wulf :)Steph
Any teenager can relate to the second sentence, I think. LOL I think that's a great hook, so I'll just add another "Yeah, what he said" to Wulf's comments.
No... I'm sorry. The first sentence doesn't particularly grab me as much as if you put us right there with the person as they ran out the front door and zipped up their coat against the cold and put on a proper defiant and angry face. As it is... it tells us. That's it.
bedrom = bedroomIt's a little flat for me. The 2nd sentence has potential, though, I wouldn't read on.
I like the idea of using your second sentence as the first. It instantly gives me a strong visual.
The passive construction kinda weakens the tension you're trying to build.
I think you have potential here. I'd suggest starting with sentance to and combining them, then using the second sentance to either add action or some reason as to why it was suficating. It has a YA feel, and I think many teens could identify with the idea of feeling smothered.
Yeah, what Wulf said. I think the second sentence is a stronger opener. :-)
I’m intrigued. Very intrigued. The only thing I might ask is why she fled from her house when it seems that only her bedroom was suffocating. It would seem logical that she’d flee from that which was suffocating. Hmmm, strange that I assumed that it was a woman, even though you didn’t indicate.
I liked this. YA or not, I think we've all fled our house (or work or wherever) because the walls were suffocating us. Great opening, I'd like to know *why* the MC feels suffocated. :)