Miss Snark's First Victim
"Riven snapped the unsuspecting guard's neck and dropped the corpse. Heheld his breath, hoping for a sign the other soldiers had noticed." Did he WANT the guards to notice?I do like how the victim in sentence one goes from "the guard" to "the corpse".:) Terri
Well, now that wasn't very nice of Riven.I'd read on because I'm curious why Riven would want the other guards to notice. But I also agree with Terri -- corpse seems a little off here.
re: Anonymous - Something tells me Riven's strong points don't include any flavors of "nice"I'd prefer "dropped him [with a thud?]", skipping the word corpse and adding confirmation that yes, he is trying to get the "other soldiers'" attention
Oh, and I'd certainly read on! : )
I would read on, definitely! I like the word corpse - fits well here. I'm wondering if he wants the guards to notice. That's what would keep me reading.
I like how this presents Riven's inner contradiction immediately and has the reader wondering why he wants to be noticed.
Great start. It reads very smoothly. I'd be intrigued enough to read more, to find out what Riven is up to. I hope it's not too bloody.
Thanks, all! Yep, he's trying to be noticed. ;) That's expanded on a bit more through the chapter, as I didn't want to overload it at the start.LOL @ nice. :DThanks again, everyone!~Merc
*depends on where he dropped the corpse, I suppose... * Yes, I'm hooked.
corpse = his dead body?Otherwise, I'd read on. :)
Great opening sentence. The second confuses...he wants to be noticed? I guess I'd have to keep reading to figure it out.
This doesn't make sense. If he wants to get noticed, he shouldn't hold his breath, but start whistling or shouting. Why would I care for someone who apparently kills people in order to get noticed? My kids also do stuff to draw attention to them, but I draw the line at bloodshed. I'd need to understand fast what is going on, or I would not flip the page.
Not so much. Without giving me any reason not to like the guard, I immediately don’t like Riven for what seems to be a senseless kill. I wouldn’t likely be hooked by this brutal opening.
The novelty of his *wanting* to get attention does pique my curiosity. I'd read on.
Thanks for the comments, all! :DI'm quite pleased I more or less got the reaction I was hoping for--the hook that is based in why he wants to be noticed. (And, hopefully, why he's not doing more to GET noticed.) I guess the blurb probably explains that but if you just flipped the cover open and read, the reaction of 'wait, why does he do that?' is what I hoped for. :)Much appreciated, all. B-)~Merc
GREAT opening! Action, characterizations, and setting/genre, all in two sentences. I can already see the scene taking place in my head. I'd absolutely read on.
I think "unsuspecting" might be overkill (no pun intended). We never had a chance to know the guard, and it's too late to care about him now. Does it matter if he suspected he was about to be offed? ;-)Otherwise that first sentence is dynamite: nice rhythm; great visual. Love it! I can't decide whether I'm confused by or curious about the second, but I'd read on.
I Like it! KEWL