Selene sat in the chair at her dresser watching Calvin sleep. She'd watched him all night, at the local bars, losing himself in one drink after the other, trying to drown his memories like she had drowned a year ago.
Oh, interesting. I absolutely didn't see the ghost part. I thought Selene meant she'd drowned her memories a year ago.
I don't read paranormal, though, so I guess I just didn't go in that direction right away!
I think it works as it is, although the second sentence is long and comma-heavy... I don't know if we need to know where he's drinking - could you just say the losing himself in the drink part and leave out local bars?
I wouldn't say I'm absolutely hooked yet, but I would probably read on a bit to see if something actually happens in this scene, or if it's all just musings and backstory.
Hooked! I would definitely read on. It promises an interesting ghost story.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot and would definitely keep on reading. Any story coming from a ghost is a great plot angle for me. Nice hook!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the delivery and the voice, though I hate paranormal so it's unfortunately a pass--to no fault of the writing.
ReplyDeleteThe last bit... "like she had drowned a year ago" felt rushed... tacked on.
I know you're limited to two sentences here, but I think you could spread this to three or four in the writing to greater effect.
Hooked! When you first read it, you think ... oh, it's just a bartender watching a man at a bar ... but BAM! Nope! She's dead! Cool!
ReplyDeleteSo Selene is a ghost? I like it.
ReplyDeleteHeh... was Calvin sleeping on the dresser? That's my mental picture since you mentioned the dresser...
ReplyDeleteThat said - I like the quiet sound to your MC here, and am hooked by the ghost character element.
Oh, interesting. I absolutely didn't see the ghost part. I thought Selene meant she'd drowned her memories a year ago.
ReplyDeleteI don't read paranormal, though, so I guess I just didn't go in that direction right away!
I think it works as it is, although the second sentence is long and comma-heavy... I don't know if we need to know where he's drinking - could you just say the losing himself in the drink part and leave out local bars?
Ghost as a POV character, well, that's intriguing! I'd read.
ReplyDeleteNice start.
ReplyDeletewhoa! Definitely hooked. Dark beginning can be very intriguing. I would love to know their relationship and what they have to drown out.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say I'm absolutely hooked yet, but I would probably read on a bit to see if something actually happens in this scene, or if it's all just musings and backstory.
ReplyDeleteSelene is a ghost and ex-girlfriend to Calvin, who is not handling her death well. Yeah, I’d bite.
ReplyDeleteWoah! She's a ghost!! I was shocked and interested.
ReplyDelete