Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 75

The first frisson of magic floated through the open window on a breeze, lifting the hair at the nape of Harket’s neck and making him hunch his shoulders as if in anticipation of a blow. Still, when it came, the wave of power drove him to his knees, grinding into every nerve in his body, closing around his heart and crushing his lungs.

14 comments:

  1. The first sentence is very floaty and wafting, then the second is forceful and harsh.

    The second sentence is where the action is, and I think it would work well as the first sentence. Just a thought.

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  2. I'm not exactly caught here...

    I think it depends on how you write the rest of the novel, or if you favor a more ominscient point of view (something I don't quite like).

    I think you could get closer to the guy's point of view.

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  3. This feels too wordy for me. I struggle with wordy beginnings since I'm not invested in the story yet. I do like the content, however, so I'd still give it a chance.

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  4. I like the second sentence a lot - it's a very strong hook. I think the first one sets a stage that doesn't need to be set. Delete #1, start with #2 and go from there.

    I definitely want to see sentence #3.

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  5. Sorry, no, for the impact this has it's too verbose. To many words insulate the scene, and the impact is lost. Trim it down a little.

    The other problem is I think Harket is getting attacked, but I don't care, because I don't know who or what he is. Maybe he's the bad guy. Maybe he isn't. Sentence one is a tough place to pull off an attack because the reader doesn't have any emotional connection yet.

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  6. Very wordy, but I like the imagery--magic floating through the window, then attacking. I don't usually read fantasy, but I'd keep going. I want to find out who this guy is and what he's doing.

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  7. I like the imagery in your first sentence, but I think you've got a stronger hook in the second. :-)

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  8. I like the contrast between a floaty benign magic and then having it attack the MC. I'd read on.

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  9. I like it. I'd want to read more.

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  10. It's a bit too wordy, but I'm still intrigued. The tension would be heightened if you get to the danger sooner, rather than bogging it down in nouns and adjectives.

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  11. Good descriptions, but a big wordy. I think I'd read on to see what happened. I've never heard of magic hitting someone like this. creative idea.

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  12. There is obviously tension from a magical attack going on here, but the wording is vague enough that I don’t have any real picture as to what’s going on. The first sentence feels sort of long and “frission” confused me more than intrigued me.

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  13. Nice descriptions but a bit wordy. Stretch the information out and I'd keep going. I like the mystical magical approach.

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  14. This is awesome! I'm totally into the magical aspect of things, though, so that might be tainting me. I liked the wind making him hunch as if he were expecting a blow, like it's happened before. Nice!

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