With that thought, Roland took a sip of his vodka and tonic and recalled some of the women he had dated between his first and second marriages—and those he had dated or just bedded since his second divorce.
If this story has a deeper meaning, this is likely a poor place to start. As you can see from posts above me, you're going to cut a chunk of potential readers with this opening.
I would keep reading to see more about what kind of character this guy is . . . hoping you'll surprise me by making a bit more likeable. Because right now I hate him.
He's a bit of a creep. Not very intriguing start. I'm not sure I'd want to read on with this guy's starting the story off. Then again, I might want to know if someone changes his way of thinking.
I like the tone and love the first sentence (a great show of Roland's personality right off), but I'm immediately leery that this seems about to dive into retrospection or introspection, and not action. "recalled" is what does it; I'd probably read on, but if something doesn't happen right away, you'd probably lose me (if all he proceeds to do is remember the women he's dated before).
This isn't your fault, I just realized that there has been quite a few subs here that start off with somebody drinking beer, or black wine, or drunk... b_d
As for this... his attitude and the vodka just is a huge turnoff for me. <- I'd read on if this is a murder mystery and this is the victim, though...
Ask yourself what is interesting about this guy? What makes him different from every other divorced womanizer in the world? What unique perspective does he have on his life? If you're going to start a story with a character just thinking (rather than acting), then what he's thinking needs to be engaging in some way.
Could he think something darkly funny? Could he think something cynical that would give us insight into his life? Could he think something shocking, that would make us wonder what crazy thing is going on in his life? Could he think about one of his specific problems or weaknesses, so we can sympathize with him?
The cliche with which this opens could be enchanting if what followed was unexpected, but it's not. In addition, there's nothing particularly intriguing about a guy reflecting on his conquests -- unless we're given the impression right away that he's about to get his comeuppance or recently has. Maybe this just starts in the wrong place?
Original Text So many women; so little time. With that thought, Roland took a sip of his vodka and tonic and recalled some of the women he had dated between his first and second marriages—and those he had dated or just bedded since his second divorce. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 8.6 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 65.3 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 9.6 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.7 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.5 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 9.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
Lol… what a chauvinist. I don’t know that I’d keep reading, not on the basis of your writing, but on the level of agreeability Roland possesses. Yeah, I’m not hooked. Sorry
Ditto on the backstory comments. Also, there are WAY too many cliches in these two sentences--the first sentence, the vodka and tonic, and the phrase "bedded." Sorry, not hooked.
Too much back story. Not enough action.
ReplyDeleteSorry.
-- Fudgie
I'd read on. But I'd stop soon if all the sentences are this packed. The idea is solid, but streamlining would help, imo.
ReplyDeleteNot interested in reading about a serial philanderer. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot doing a thing for me. I can't see where these two sentences would lead that would interest me.
ReplyDeleteIf this story has a deeper meaning, this is likely a poor place to start. As you can see from posts above me, you're going to cut a chunk of potential readers with this opening.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to see more about what kind of character this guy is . . . hoping you'll surprise me by making a bit more likeable. Because right now I hate him.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my sort of story, but the writing seems clean and flows just fine.
ReplyDeleteHe's a bit of a creep. Not very intriguing start. I'm not sure I'd want to read on with this guy's starting the story off. Then again, I might want to know if someone changes his way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteI like the tone and love the first sentence (a great show of Roland's personality right off), but I'm immediately leery that this seems about to dive into retrospection or introspection, and not action. "recalled" is what does it; I'd probably read on, but if something doesn't happen right away, you'd probably lose me (if all he proceeds to do is remember the women he's dated before).
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't interest me. The genre could make a difference though. And whether the character was an antagonist or protagonist.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't your fault, I just realized that there has been quite a few subs here that start off with somebody drinking beer, or black wine, or drunk... b_d
ReplyDeleteAs for this... his attitude and the vodka just is a huge turnoff for me. <- I'd read on if this is a murder mystery and this is the victim, though...
The MC is off-putting. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"So many women, so little time" is a cliche.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself what is interesting about this guy? What makes him different from every other divorced womanizer in the world? What unique perspective does he have on his life? If you're going to start a story with a character just thinking (rather than acting), then what he's thinking needs to be engaging in some way.
Could he think something darkly funny? Could he think something cynical that would give us insight into his life? Could he think something shocking, that would make us wonder what crazy thing is going on in his life? Could he think about one of his specific problems or weaknesses, so we can sympathize with him?
Great first sentence, but the second says he's going to reminisce about past women. You need to give me a reason to care.
ReplyDeleteNope. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe cliche with which this opens could be enchanting if what followed was unexpected, but it's not. In addition, there's nothing particularly intriguing about a guy reflecting on his conquests -- unless we're given the impression right away that he's about to get his comeuppance or recently has. Maybe this just starts in the wrong place?
Original Text
ReplyDeleteSo many women; so little time. With that thought, Roland took a sip of his vodka and tonic and recalled some of the women he had dated between his first and second marriages—and those he had dated or just bedded since his second divorce.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 8.6
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 65.3
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 9.6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.5
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 9.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
I would read on. My first thought was *&#hole.
Lol… what a chauvinist. I don’t know that I’d keep reading, not on the basis of your writing, but on the level of agreeability Roland possesses. Yeah, I’m not hooked. Sorry
ReplyDeleteDitto on the backstory comments. Also, there are WAY too many cliches in these two sentences--the first sentence, the vodka and tonic, and the phrase "bedded." Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete