F2S 29
If Belle Ravenna knew one thing for certain, it was this: nothing had turned out the way it was supposed to. Now that she was in eighth grade, she was supposed to be confident enough to just stroll over to Matt Holland—gorgeous, perfect Matt Holland—and sit down right next to him.
Not bad. Cute, gutsy YA voice. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but that first sentence sounded a bit too much like the back cover of Twilight...
ReplyDelete:) Terri
Nice start. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on -- voice is fun, mood is fun, writing is strong.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm not a YA fan or a romance buff, so I may not get far if things don't catch fire :)
The second sentence could be tightened a bit without losing any of the emotion. But it's a great start to what sounds like a fun story.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a strong opening, but "Belle" just seems a bit too much like Twilight to me... I wouldn't be surprised if you thought this story up before Bella and Twilight, but with it so popular at the moment, consider giving your character a more unique name.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the "Matt Holland X 2" - but I like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm not totally sold on the first line about how she knows, but otherwise I like the voice and would probably read on a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI like this start. It's typical of teen girl. I'd read on to see why she didn't dare do that.
ReplyDeleteTechnically this was very strong, but it's not my thing so I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteStrong opening. I know the character's name, age, mood, and at least one of her hang ups. Pretty impressive for two simple sentences.
ReplyDeleteTee-hee! I love kiddie lit. Or MG as this is. I love her name and I like the second sentence. The first one is a bit vague and almost unnecessary though. I’d probably scratch it entirely (unless it’s a key theme to your story) and just introduce her name into the second sentence. I like how the voice of the narration sounds like an eighth grade voice.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say thank you for all of the comments! This one is mine, and I've really enjoyed reading what you all thought about these sentences.
ReplyDeleteNote about her name: Belle Ravenna is a play on Bellerophon, the Greek myth that the story is based on. However, I've had LOTS of suggestions to change the name because of the Twilight influence...
I like the narrator's voice--very YA. Though I'd suggest not having both the MC's first and last names in the opening line--sounds too forced and not like how people usually think of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI like the tone in this one. Your comment about it being based on a myth is another hook for me.
ReplyDeleteOoh! Love the myth angle! I also very much like the voice here: Breezy, fun and sooooo eighth grade. :-)
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