Generally speaking, elementary schools fall low on the intimidation list. Chubby-cheeked children shrieking on playgrounds--or, in my case, honking into wind instruments and banging on drums--shouldn't frighten people.f
This is another one I think the first sentence should be deleted on. It is a bit confusing and doesn't set the stage very well.
The SECOND sentence, however, I love. It drops me RIGHT into the person's viewpoint, shows me a sense of humor and that the narrator doesn't take themselves very seriously. And I'm very curious to know why chubby-cheeked children frighten her.
Actually, I'm having a little problem understanding the second sentence. Is the narrator one of the children? If so, I'd imagine it's difficult to blow into a wind instrument and beat a drum at the same time. Or is the narrator a playground supervisor?
With a little more clarification, this will be a good hook.
I don't mind the first sentence, although you could clarify the end of it with "most peoples' intimidation lists"...unless this sounds too clunky. Not sure on that. But I'm hooked, I'd defnitely read on.
The writing is good, the problem is I don't agree. I recall elementary school and it was often a terrible and very intimidating place.
I can recall entire months of school spent navigating the treacherous hallways between recess and class and hiding away in the bathrooms to avoid so-and-so who was angry because of such-and-such.
It's almost there--but the aside in the second sentence tripped me up a bit. I like the voice but I think this needs a bit more focus and tightening to work well. Good luck.
Hrm. We seem pretty divided on first sentence going vs. staying and second sentence being confusing vs. okay. I'll take everyone's thoughts into consideration and see what I can come up with. Thanks for your input, everyone!
And for me personally, elementary school was fine. It was middle school that I hated. :)
Hmmm, is it an adult or a child speaking? that would determine if I read on. Shouldn't frighten people is too general. Does it frighten this person? or someone with them? It's a bit of a run on second sentence. Shorten that and it might work better.
Okay, elementary schools shouldn’t be frightening. And saying this implies that this one is. Additionally, the second sentence clues me in that the narrator is a kid in elementary school. And he/she is talking like an adult. This is a problem. That’s just what I get out of those two lines. I wouldn’t be hooked by this.
I liked this. Sarcasm is always a way to get me hooked into a story. ;) Nice way of introducing the setting of the story and hinting at who the MC is. I'd read on.
This is another one I think the first sentence should be deleted on. It is a bit confusing and doesn't set the stage very well.
ReplyDeleteThe SECOND sentence, however, I love. It drops me RIGHT into the person's viewpoint, shows me a sense of humor and that the narrator doesn't take themselves very seriously. And I'm very curious to know why chubby-cheeked children frighten her.
Dump the first, start with the second. :)
Great second sentence. I agree, the first one could go. I'd read on to find what the fright is about.
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm having a little problem understanding the second sentence. Is the narrator one of the children? If so, I'd imagine it's difficult to blow into a wind instrument and beat a drum at the same time. Or is the narrator a playground supervisor?
ReplyDeleteWith a little more clarification, this will be a good hook.
I don't mind the first sentence, although you could clarify the end of it with "most peoples' intimidation lists"...unless this sounds too clunky. Not sure on that. But I'm hooked, I'd defnitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, the problem is I don't agree. I recall elementary school and it was often a terrible and very intimidating place.
ReplyDeleteI can recall entire months of school spent navigating the treacherous hallways between recess and class and hiding away in the bathrooms to avoid so-and-so who was angry because of such-and-such.
Yarr
Honking into wind instruments = I wondered if you could have "honking into horns" or screeching with their pipes... or something.
ReplyDeleteWind instruments - maybe I'm a dope here, but that immediately makes me think about wind chimes, or something.
And instead of chubby cheeked, maybe rosy-cheeked ?
It's almost there--but the aside in the second sentence tripped me up a bit. I like the voice but I think this needs a bit more focus and tightening to work well. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI like it. It seems like the MC is the music teacher and feels overwhelmed by her/his job.
ReplyDeleteThe structure of the second sentence threw me, but I'd read on.
Spoken like someone who doesn't remember childhood. Not a bad opening, but see the comments above for editing.
ReplyDeleteHrm. We seem pretty divided on first sentence going vs. staying and second sentence being confusing vs. okay. I'll take everyone's thoughts into consideration and see what I can come up with. Thanks for your input, everyone!
ReplyDeleteAnd for me personally, elementary school was fine. It was middle school that I hated. :)
Hmmm, is it an adult or a child speaking? that would determine if I read on.
ReplyDeleteShouldn't frighten people is too general. Does it frighten this person? or someone with them?
It's a bit of a run on second sentence. Shorten that and it might work better.
Okay, elementary schools shouldn’t be frightening. And saying this implies that this one is. Additionally, the second sentence clues me in that the narrator is a kid in elementary school. And he/she is talking like an adult. This is a problem. That’s just what I get out of those two lines. I wouldn’t be hooked by this.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Sarcasm is always a way to get me hooked into a story. ;) Nice way of introducing the setting of the story and hinting at who the MC is. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. Needs tidying, but very promising :)
ReplyDelete