Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 36

It was that time of day when it wasn't quite dark and it wasn't quite light. The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket, and night had yet to surrender to the pale orange haze that the morning sun brought.

16 comments:

  1. The first two sentences seems to be saying the same thing to me. I would say that the author doesn't need both.

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  2. I think the first sentence could be deleted. It tells exactly what the second ones shows.

    The second one is compelling- very visual, and it sets the scene perfectly.

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  3. As the others said, lose the first sentence. The second is good, and I can't help but wonder how their land got under a blanket

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  4. The second sentence is great. Not hooked though, because of the redundancy

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  5. Agree about deleting the first sentence. However, this looks like it'll get flowery REALLY soon - "surrendered" kinda leads me to thinking that.

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  6. This is flowery. We know what twilight looks like. Take us to the action!

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  7. I also wonder whether this is a land that would be familiar with denim. _I_ might be as a reader but if the narrator wouldn't be, can't use the image.

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  8. Hm... this reminds me of #38.

    I like the promise of a fantasy here, but I got a little impatient with the descriptives of dawn.

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  9. I meant #37... :#

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  10. No, the description feels too generic to me. Sorry.

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  11. So...it's sunrise, then? Nice prose, but nothing here hooks me. Sorry.

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  12. It seems too wordy and repetitive. It basically says the same thing. i would only need one or the other to tell me the time of day. then I'd want to know why that's important or get some action going.

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  13. Nice descriptions. I was a little tripped up by the world name. It’s good set up, but nothing has actually happened yet to grab my interest. Also – and this is going to sound goofy and picky – you described your world as being coated with a blanket. When I think coated I think with paint or with a jacket and when I think blanket I think covered. I know its poetic license, but something about that phrase bugs me. It’s a well written, but slow opening. Perhaps that’s what you intended though. Not everything has to begin fast paced. I like it, but you’d have to hook me sometime during that first page.

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  14. It's a maybe for me. The genre/setting kinda jumps all over the mat. For example: The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket --denim didn't exist in medieval times, and "Drualtys" implies to me that this is a fantasy story set in such a pseudo-historical period.

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  15. To me, these both say the same thing. I like the second setence better, and would vote for cutting the first one completely.

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  16. What is it with starting novels with "it" around here lately? Did I miss a memo? (Seriously, among the past six subs I've read, three have started with "it.")

    I think the first sentence is unnecessary. The second does a much better job of saying the same thing. (Nit alert: Shouldn't the second sentence end "...the pale orange haze that the morning sun WOULD BRING"? The sun's not up yet; hence, the past-tense "brought" sounds off to me.)

    Does something actually happen in the third sentence? If so, I'd probably read on. :-)

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