There was a strange glow to the air as Trenton walked along, looking
around the unfamiliar place. He briefly recalled this happening before- when
a wildfire on the mountain put so much smoke in the air it covered the sun,
making it look like blood during the day.
This raises questions. If the place is unfamiliar, how can he remember how it looked before? But I don't find myself interested enough to find out the answer. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't pull me in, nothing enough yanks at my attention.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing "sexy" or intriguing about a man walking around IMO -- if he ran toward something, away from something, heighten a sense of urgency here. Make me care because he so obviously does. Right now, he's observing, so that puts me in the role of observer -- not as interesting as I think this could be.
I agree wiht Jennie--a different action would be better than just walking. You could also take out the first sentence and start with a reworked version of the second.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and I've never witnessed a wildfire, but if smoke is covering the sun, how can the sun look like blood? (it's covered)
First sentence had my interest, though I would probably rewrite it. Right now, it looks like the GLOW is looking around the unfamiliar place.
ReplyDeleteWhat might be better is if you just told where he was - like "as Trenton left the safety of Sheila's house."
Also get rid of "briefly"
The first sentence is stronger if 'looking around the unfamiliar place' is removed. If you're going for that weird light you get close to a fire, we don't need to know that Trenton is in an unfamiliar spot right away.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't hook me, sorry. Nothing really grabs my attention.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I thought the place was a strange world, but then it says the environment is familiar. So it left me confused as to what we're dealing with and there isn't any action to keep me engaged.
ReplyDeleteI might read on to see if the next part gets going or to find time/place. Hopefully there's more action if he's surrounded by a fire.
ReplyDeleteSmoke in the air does make the sun and moon look red, so that's a good description.
You've succeeded with giving me a strong visual. I can see the odd glow in the air; I can even see the wheels turning in his head, remembering that he'd seen something similar before. I'm expecting the next few sentences to introduce the hook.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence sort of hooks me. “Unfamiliar place” and the smoke over the sun that makes it look like blood is intriguing imagery, but the only action is Trent walking and we don’t have a clue why he’s in an unfamiliar place.
ReplyDeleteThere's promise, but I wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet. You could probably tighten the language and heighten the tension with this kind of post-event opening to really make it suspenseful.
ReplyDelete