Miss Snark's First Victim
Not a bad opening. Something about "beneath the floorboards overhead" was tough to digest... consider replacing beneath with something less contradictory
Overall, a good opening.The first sentence needs to be tweaked for clarity.
I'd happily read on, this interests me. I'm assuming we're in a basement from the "floorboards" line... if we aren't you might want to adjust.
Well, I'm a little confused about the floorboards overhead. if there's smoke, is the place on fire? But then the second sentence, the people aren't running for cover, but acting normal. so it's confusing more than intriguing. I'd probably read on to see if it gets more intriguing soon.
Er, it feels like you're missing commas somewhere here. Afraid it doesn't really hook me, as I had to reread the first sentence several times to figure out if the smoke was on the narrator's ceiling or what (still not entirely sure)...
This confused me as well. I had to read it a couple times. Is there a better way to set the scene?
while they worked ON restocking orwhile they restocked the Not hooked yet... but I'd read a little more to get a better idea.
Had to look up apothecary, but the fact that the MC is hiding under the floorboards and there is smoke, has me wondering what is going on.I'd read on.
The second sentence should be the first. The first one doesn't make sense.
Hmm.... What is up with that smoke? I like this, but I'd clean up the second sentence just a bit. Perhaps either a comma between "worked" and "restocking," or just "while they restocked her apothecary."I'd read on. :-)
I don’t see the direction here yet. There should be a comma before trapped. Your narrator is clearly underneath the apothecary shop, which is the only thing that peaks my interest. I’m wondering why he/she is down there. I’m not really hooked.
Average Readability Level: 9.82Average of grade levels scores that follow.Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Specific ScoresFlesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 66.7Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 7.6Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.9Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 14.4Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 7.2Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 10Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Too high reading level.John Grisham Tom Clancy Michael Crichton Stephen King Clive Cussler Mary Renault Frank McCourt Arthur Golden All write at 7th grade level
beneath floorboards overhead really threw me... very contradictory. I liked the imagery but I wish there was more of a hook to make me wonder why the MC is in a basement or what old lady Kwan has to do with anything.
Thick smoke swirled in lazy circles trapped beneath the floorboards overhead. This sentence confuses me. If the MC is on the lower floor, then wouldn't the smoke be curling around the ceiling?