Miss Snark's First Victim
I would read on here. But I'm hoping Thorn is a detective or the killer because if he's just someone coming upon a scene with an arc of blood, his reaction better be more visceral than comparing it to art.
Oh, I liked this one. I would read on!:) Terri
I definitely agree with the first comment here but I'm really hoping he is the killer as he then compares the blood to a work of art. I really liked that image and would read on to figure out what was going on. Nice hook!
Don't need the word "stopped" at all. Suggest cutting it. I would read on.
This feels like the start of a mystery or thriller, which isn't my genre so I'm not really interested, but the lines well written and catchy, so I think it's a good opening.
The first sentence feels awkward. Maybe "staring" or "and stared"? If it's deliberately that way, fine, but it jarred me out of reading immediately and loses the impact of a hook because my brain is wanting to "fix" it. :P I like the content here, I just think the structure/wording of the first line needs to be tweaked for flow.
I would read a more to see what it's about- time/place/character.
I agree with the comments on tweaking the first sentence. As to the content and tone of the rest, it reminds me of Dexter. That's a good thing. =)
Thorn stopped...what? (thinks - stop, drop, roll)Against the white what?And if I'm really going to be nitpicky, I probably would combine the two sentences, and expand on Thorn's reaction. Like:Against the white wall, the arc of blood looked like an artist's impressionistic stroke. Thorn took another picture, fighting the heavy sickening feeling in her stomach.
I'd cut 'stopped' Otherwise, I'd read on.
Thanks for the great feedback! All wonderful suggestions. It's nice to hear how the word 'stopped' tripped so many up. I'm glad at least some of you had positive feelings. Yay!Ardyth: mystery? thriller? moi? you should know better, I only write drivel; when they make a genre for that, I'll be the top dog.Amber+Anon: no, but he is running away from a battle, so perhaps it's okay that he's a bit detached from the blood at this point, as the emphasis is on making sure it isn't his own.I think I'll probably stick with 'stopped' for now, but not for any reason that's intuitive in the first two sentences. By the end of the first paragraph, it should be apparent they are fleeing a crushing defeat through the snow. Hopefully that justifies the usage a bit.And thanks again! Wonderful insights!
I like this! For some reason, I thought "snow" right off the bat (must be the cold weather here -- **shivers and grimaces**). The comparison of blood to an artist's stroke is what really got me. I'm not wild about the word "stopped" (seems a bit tame, maybe?), but I'd definitely read on. :-)
Original TextThorn stopped, stared at the arc of blood. Against the white it looked like an artist's impressionistic stroke.Average Grade LevelAverage Readability Level: 6.82Average of grade levels scores that follow.Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Specific ScoresFlesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 84.9Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 3.7Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 5.8Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 13.6Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 6.6Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text Readiility too low for YA, still a little difficult for adults.I still would read on, but then, I'm an adult :)
Nice! The only thing that bugs me is the punctuation in the first sentence. Thorn stopped and stared… or Thorn stopped, starring…It’s disjointed as is.
Great descriptive sentenctes. Just enough information to hook me. I like it.
The incomplete first sentence irked me--I'd recommend saving those for later on, once we've had a chance to settle in this world. I'd read on a bit further, but I'm not sure the "artistic" comment works for me in terms of building a tense scene.