Text message is fun, the second sentence is ho-hum -- nothing develops or happens, it's just noise, imo-- how about Anton's reaction to the message instead?
I liked the information in the text message as an opening line but maybe connect it to Anton closing his phone and reacting/ or trying not to react in Freya's presence with the second line?
Intriguing. I'd read on to find out who got the text? Obviously modern times because texting was used. But why the witch hunt? You could have the person putting their phone back in their pocket as a segue to second sentence. That would connect the two better.
I'm a bit confused about the text message. Did Anton get it? Someone else? it doesn't feel like it connects with the second sentence; maybe, if Anton is the one who received it, show him getting it before he goes into the art shop? The message itself is intriguing, but without a better context and connection between the message and the start of the scene with Anton, I was a bit more confused than hooked.
I have to agree with the group, the first sentence was intiguing but I didn't understand what the second had to do with it... what was the reaction of the reader of the text message?
Author here. This is my first time using a Text Message in a story, so wasn't sure how to handle it. I appreciate the feedback. Yes, it is Anton who receives the text. *makes note to insert transition sentence*
Original Text Text message: ERWIN FOUND 3RD WITCH Anton gave Freya a kiss as he entered the art shop, and helped her balance the armful of frames she was putting up for the day. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 9.34 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 73.9 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 10.9 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 12.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 7.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 13.4
Readibility is bad. I think because of action/reaction Instead of what you have, maybe 2nd should start, Freya was putting up frames for the day. Then he kisses her...
Love the first sentence, but there does not seem to be any connection whatsoever to the second. The first sentence has energy, a sense of danger, a thrill, and the second one is flat and ho hum.
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ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how the first sentence matches up with the second sentence, but I do like the idea of the novel as presented through the text message.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I found the text message intriguing but couldn't connect it with the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteText message is fun, the second sentence is ho-hum -- nothing develops or happens, it's just noise, imo-- how about Anton's reaction to the message instead?
ReplyDeleteDitto on the others. First sentence is beautiful and intriguing, but what's the connection?
ReplyDeleteI liked the information in the text message as an opening line but maybe connect it to Anton closing his phone and reacting/ or trying not to react in Freya's presence with the second line?
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. I'd read on to find out who got the text? Obviously modern times because texting was used. But why the witch hunt? You could have the person putting their phone back in their pocket as a segue to second sentence. That would connect the two better.
ReplyDeleteWhile I didn't see how these connected, I'd be willing to read a few more sentences to find out. I guess I'm a bit more patient that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused about the text message. Did Anton get it? Someone else? it doesn't feel like it connects with the second sentence; maybe, if Anton is the one who received it, show him getting it before he goes into the art shop? The message itself is intriguing, but without a better context and connection between the message and the start of the scene with Anton, I was a bit more confused than hooked.
ReplyDeleteWait... it isn't in Tx message speak! :p
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry. I'm not sure what's going on here...
Love the text-message device here. I'd read on, hoping a connection between Anton and Freya and the text message and witches rears its head soon.
ReplyDeleteThe previous Anonymous post was me.
ReplyDeleteI've done 80 of these by now and getting to hyper clicking the publish button.
I don't see the connection between the two lines.
ReplyDeleteThe first line sorta hooked me. The second did nothing. I’d read the rest of the page just based on the first line though.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the group, the first sentence was intiguing but I didn't understand what the second had to do with it... what was the reaction of the reader of the text message?
ReplyDeleteAuthor here. This is my first time using a Text Message in a story, so wasn't sure how to handle it. I appreciate the feedback. Yes, it is Anton who receives the text. *makes note to insert transition sentence*
ReplyDeleteOriginal Text
ReplyDeleteText message: ERWIN FOUND 3RD WITCH Anton gave Freya a kiss as he entered the art shop, and helped her balance the armful of frames she was putting up for the day.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 9.34
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 73.9
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 10.9
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 12.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 7.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 13.4
Readibility is bad. I think because of action/reaction Instead of what you have, maybe 2nd should start, Freya was putting up frames for the day. Then he kisses her...
Ditto on not understanding the connection between the two sentences. Also, nothing's really happening just yet. Get us to the action quicker.
ReplyDeleteLove the first sentence, but there does not seem to be any connection whatsoever to the second. The first sentence has energy, a sense of danger, a thrill, and the second one is flat and ho hum.
ReplyDelete