Cornelius Penfield leaned heavily on his hiking staff, barely keeping his balance on the steep scree slope on the lower side of the moraine. Already he found the walking difficult, and there was even more treacherous terrain to come.
I think the first sentence is too long with too much of an info dump about where exactly he is. Maybe start off with him doing something other than just leaning? Like wheezing, stumbling, falling down, tripping...
I agree, a lot of detail here. It also feels pretty passive for an opening - leaning, barely keeping, found, there was more to come. It will be a more interesting opening it it's more active and some of the details in the first sentence are dispersed to the second.
I'm not sure what genre this is, or where it's going. Isolated like this it doesn't draw my attention. An old man leaning on a walking stick and you're using a lot of words to say that. I'd pass.
Hmm...a man hiking doesn't grab me. If maybe we knew why he was hiking (to rescue someone, doing it as a bet, etc.) I might give it a few more sentences.
steep scree slope....sounds like you're trying too hard to be writerly. You could delete that whole line through moraine, as well as a couple of adverbs.
C.P. leaned on his hiking staff to keep his balance. He already found the walking difficult, and there was even more treacherous terrain to come.
Too much stuffed into these opening lines. "On the" is annoyingly used. I might read on to find out where he's going and why he's compelled to continue on the treacherous journey. But this needs tightening up.
I hope you’re writing for a very educated crowd. I feel like an idiot for not knowing what a moraine is and I’ve got a degree in English. I imagine other readers might feel similarly. Overall, the opening doesn’t catch me. The guy is hiking. I immediately imagined an older man. We don’t have any hint as to why he’s making a challenging hike. Hopefully that info is in the next sentence.
I think the first sentence is too long with too much of an info dump about where exactly he is. Maybe start off with him doing something other than just leaning? Like wheezing, stumbling, falling down, tripping...
ReplyDeleteI agree, a lot of detail here. It also feels pretty passive for an opening - leaning, barely keeping, found, there was more to come. It will be a more interesting opening it it's more active and some of the details in the first sentence are dispersed to the second.
ReplyDeleteDump's a bit too early, save that. But a nice premise to open on. I'm curious.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what genre this is, or where it's going. Isolated like this it doesn't draw my attention. An old man leaning on a walking stick and you're using a lot of words to say that. I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteI already know he's a wizard. :]
ReplyDeleteOr that could just be my fantasy loving backbone talking - the name Cornelius and Staff = Wizard.
This of course could be the direct opposite of fantasy... which case, I'd read on a little further to see what I think.
First sentence you do have "on the" X 2. Nice wording and description otherwise.
Hmm...a man hiking doesn't grab me. If maybe we knew why he was hiking (to rescue someone, doing it as a bet, etc.) I might give it a few more sentences.
ReplyDeleteAs is, I wouldn't read on.
Does paint a picture and create expectancy . . .
ReplyDeleteI got a clear visual. I like that.
ReplyDeletesteep scree slope....sounds like you're trying too hard to be writerly. You could delete that whole line through moraine, as well as a couple of adverbs.
ReplyDeleteC.P. leaned on his hiking staff to keep his balance. He already found the walking difficult, and there was even more treacherous terrain to come.
Too much stuffed into these opening lines. "On the" is annoyingly used. I might read on to find out where he's going and why he's compelled to continue on the treacherous journey. But this needs tightening up.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the over-detailing, but the writing is overall solid, so I'd probably read on. Maybe heighten the tension in this first part, too?
ReplyDeleteI hope you’re writing for a very educated crowd. I feel like an idiot for not knowing what a moraine is and I’ve got a degree in English. I imagine other readers might feel similarly. Overall, the opening doesn’t catch me. The guy is hiking. I immediately imagined an older man. We don’t have any hint as to why he’s making a challenging hike. Hopefully that info is in the next sentence.
ReplyDelete