I'm not really hooked, but I think this is one of those stories where the hook comes just a bit later. I have no reason to stop now, so I'd keep reading :) Ditto on the semicolon/split-the-sentence thing.
I almost jumped on another runaway question mark, but I see this is a formatting issue. *relaxes*
Interesting, but I think this would have more PING, if you just had the "Sorcha!" for the first sentence. And then start the second sentence with her reacting to the call, and seeing nobody. And then putting in the analyzing 'not with her ears, but her mind' sentence as you have here.
And the second sentence - comma should be a period.
A nice opening. I really like "the memory of an echo."
I agree the punctuation needs all the work above mentioned. The question mark often appears in place of the apostrophe when a text is translated from one wordprocessor to another. I'm assuming that's what happened here.
The second sentence should be split into two because it’s a run-on, unless you add in an “and” between “mind” and “it”. “Memory of an echo” sounds poetic, but what is it really saying? It seems too vague and abstract to mean much to most readers. Also, both memory and echo make me think quiet, but you said earlier that it was a shout.
The nit-picky thing is I think you've either got 3 sentences there or you need a semi-colon after mind.
ReplyDeleteThe big picture thing is it's really great and I love the "memory of an echo" very much.
This is fun and interesting. The voice is meh, though. I want more from the voice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with storm. Add a semi colon or break up the sentences.
ReplyDeleteI dont' think I'm hooked, but sff is not a genre I usually read.
I'm not really hooked, but I think this is one of those stories where the hook comes just a bit later. I have no reason to stop now, so I'd keep reading :) Ditto on the semicolon/split-the-sentence thing.
ReplyDeleteI almost jumped on another runaway question mark, but I see this is a formatting issue. *relaxes*
ReplyDeleteInteresting, but I think this would have more PING, if you just had the "Sorcha!" for the first sentence. And then start the second sentence with her reacting to the call, and seeing nobody. And then putting in the analyzing 'not with her ears, but her mind' sentence as you have here.
And the second sentence - comma should be a period.
I agree with Sponge. Start off with "Sorcha!"
ReplyDeleteThen show the next portion from Sorcha's POV. Let's see her reaction, especially as she realizes it's not her ears that heard the call.
More in the moment, I guess.
No, sorry, nothing in here gets my attention. It seems a bit generic, imo.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. A bit passive for me.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, seems like a dream or something not real. I'd be intrigued enough to continue.
ReplyDeleteA nice opening. I really like "the memory of an echo."
ReplyDeleteI agree the punctuation needs all the work above mentioned. The question mark often appears in place of the apostrophe when a text is translated from one wordprocessor to another. I'm assuming that's what happened here.
The second sentence should be split into two because it’s a run-on, unless you add in an “and” between “mind” and “it”. “Memory of an echo” sounds poetic, but what is it really saying? It seems too vague and abstract to mean much to most readers. Also, both memory and echo make me think quiet, but you said earlier that it was a shout.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence either needs a semicolon or be a seperate sentence--it's currently a run on.
ReplyDeleteThere's promise here, but I wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet. I'd probably read a bit further, though, just to see where this is going.