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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Someone kept calling Sorcha?s name. She heard the shout not with her ears, but with her mind, it sounded like the memory of an echo.
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The nit-picky thing is I think you've either got 3 sentences there or you need a semi-colon after mind.ReplyDelete
The big picture thing is it's really great and I love the "memory of an echo" very much.
This is fun and interesting. The voice is meh, though. I want more from the voice.ReplyDelete
I agree with storm. Add a semi colon or break up the sentences.ReplyDelete
I dont' think I'm hooked, but sff is not a genre I usually read.
I'm not really hooked, but I think this is one of those stories where the hook comes just a bit later. I have no reason to stop now, so I'd keep reading :) Ditto on the semicolon/split-the-sentence thing.ReplyDelete
I almost jumped on another runaway question mark, but I see this is a formatting issue. *relaxes*ReplyDelete
Interesting, but I think this would have more PING, if you just had the "Sorcha!" for the first sentence. And then start the second sentence with her reacting to the call, and seeing nobody. And then putting in the analyzing 'not with her ears, but her mind' sentence as you have here.
And the second sentence - comma should be a period.
I agree with Sponge. Start off with "Sorcha!"ReplyDelete
Then show the next portion from Sorcha's POV. Let's see her reaction, especially as she realizes it's not her ears that heard the call.
More in the moment, I guess.
No, sorry, nothing in here gets my attention. It seems a bit generic, imo.ReplyDelete
Not hooked. A bit passive for me.ReplyDelete
Hmmm, seems like a dream or something not real. I'd be intrigued enough to continue.ReplyDelete
A nice opening. I really like "the memory of an echo."ReplyDelete
I agree the punctuation needs all the work above mentioned. The question mark often appears in place of the apostrophe when a text is translated from one wordprocessor to another. I'm assuming that's what happened here.
The second sentence should be split into two because it’s a run-on, unless you add in an “and” between “mind” and “it”. “Memory of an echo” sounds poetic, but what is it really saying? It seems too vague and abstract to mean much to most readers. Also, both memory and echo make me think quiet, but you said earlier that it was a shout.ReplyDelete
That last sentence either needs a semicolon or be a seperate sentence--it's currently a run on.ReplyDelete
There's promise here, but I wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet. I'd probably read a bit further, though, just to see where this is going.