Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
F2S 78
It was a dewy September morning, near dawn, when I stumbled out of the woods behind our house, naked, scratched, and trembling from the exhaustion of running all night. I fell to my knees, and proceeded to spew up and onto the ground everything that had been jostling around in my stomach, and let me tell you, it was just as unpleasant coming back up as it was going down.
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Eww... :)
ReplyDeleteNice work with these. Good voice. I'd read on.
This is a bit clunky. I think you could make a bigger impact without mentioning dew or September. It would be best as three sentences.
ReplyDeleteMaybe: I stumbled out of the woods naked, scratched and trembling. Falling to my knees, I spewed out what had been jostling in my stomach all night. It was just as unpleasant the second time around.
I like this one the way it is--definitely grabbed my attention.
ReplyDeleteThe setting of the scene is great, but I think this is a little wordy and borders a bit more on telling than showing. You could go deeper into what this person FEELS-- scratches on a naked body would sting like crazy, exhaustion weighs the limbs and makes it hard to move, and nausea overrides everything. Give us more of this person's experience than telling us.
ReplyDeleteThe last part : it was just as unpleasant coming up as going down-- great. I Love that. It's intriguing and makes me want to know just what got this person into the circumstance they are in.
It does make me want to know what the person was doing in the woods. I'd probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked it too. At first I thought this person was escaping a captor, but then, I wondered if maybe we didn't have some paranormal element going on instead (I.E. Werewolf, shapeshifter, something that ate some really gross prey...EW).
ReplyDeleteI would so read on either way.
:) Terri
I'd read on for sure, but the sentences could be shorter and not seem so run-onish. I like Anon's suggestion for a rewrite of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteThis has a ton of telling. Would someone really notice the dewy Sept morning if they were naked, scratched, etc? And the last line is another bit of author intrusion. I would cut the last line and the first part of the first sentence. It would read much better. This didn't hook me at all.
ReplyDeletesecond sentence is great, first sentence is way too clunky! Do we need to know that it's dewy, dawn, and September?
ReplyDeleteI liked this opening, but I like even better the rewrite Anonymous did. Although I'd probably still leave in the dewy September morning, near dawn part.
ReplyDeleteThe tone works, but the word mob scares me. If your entire book is as a verbose as these first two sentences I'll never make it through chapter one.
ReplyDeleteI think it's too heavy and tries to establish too much. Plus I really hate the "let me tell you" aside.
ReplyDeleteThe "let me tell you" suggests to me that the book will have that sort of tone throughout, chatty and light-hearted. But the rest of the sentences do not, since something bad is clearly happening.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the revision of Anonymous earlier - far tighter without losing anything relevant.
I like this. Two things- I'd trim
ReplyDelete-onto the ground- To wordy for me and it is tighter without it.
and
-and let me tell you- This knocked me out of a story I really wanted to find out more about.
And I'd make the last part a new sentence
It was just as unpleasant...
I'd totally read on to find out what happened.
Just my thoughts
I'd be interested to read more. Good voice. Dewy doesn't seem to work well when the protagonist then uses the word spew. Dewy seems too flowery.
ReplyDeleteEwww.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking werewolf here, and the last thing I want to imagine is a werewolf upchucking in the first paragraph. For that matter, I'd rather not encounter anyone upchucking in the first paragraph. But that's just me.
You've painted a powerful picture here, but could the sentences be trimmed just a bit, perhaps? I got the sense you were in a rush to impart a whole bunch of information before you ran out of space.
That said, I'd love to know exactly what this person/creature had been up to eating noxious stuff in woods while undressed. :-)
I think there's too much going on in these two sentences.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't really hooked by knowing how the MC's stomach contents came up similar to how they went down.
'and proceeded to' slowed down the read and wasn't necessary. 'I fell to my knees' isn't powerful enough (as, say, collapsed) to convey exhaustion. The voice overall seemed to calm for what looks like the end of a harrowing experience.
I wouldn't read on.
This is one where I feel like the rest of the first paragraph would make the difference for me. Does it continue with the MC telling about what is happening or does stuff start happening? If so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit wordy, but I'm definitely intrigued and would read on. Good tension, right off the bat, and good narrative voice.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. I feel you made many sentences into two. I would hope you don't leave them running on like this. or you just need to majorly trim them down. But it's a good start and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteAction-wise, I’m intrigued. It’s wordy and long though.
ReplyDeleteI agree, a bit wordy, but I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. :) The only thing I'm left wondering is why the MC didn't ralph earlier...when they first ate whatever they just upchucked. And maybe I'll find out as I read more. Good job.
ReplyDelete