It's hard not to tell with two lines, but do you really need the second sentence? We kind of get that the lunch didn't sit well as she's puking her guts up.
I'm not sure you need to lose the second sentence, but it does need to be reworked. Is this what SHE thinks is wrong? A bad lunch? Get this sentence deeper into her POV, show us why SHE believes she's throwing up...and hint at whether or not that's denial. I mean, let's face it, anytime a woman throws up and she hasn't been drinking, we think she might be pregnant. Does she?
(Just a note as well: the comma in the first paragraph is incorrect. Only use a comma to string two complete sentences together.)
Someone puking isn't hooking in itself. It needs a hint, a touch of depth. It needs to suggest what's special about her puking without brow-beating poor wulfie.
My first thought: I don't care that the sink is made of porcelain. (Well, if we're turning on our inner editors here...!)
Now: Unlike almost everyone else, I don't see anything wrong with the second sentence. It's a good way to set the time of day. That said, I do agree that if you can incorporate a more piquant element here, it might help hook others.
I'd read on because I wanna know why she's puking :)
*eyebrows go up* This has to be the third submission I've read which starts off with somebody throwing up...
Two things here:
Why did she throw up in the sink if the toilet is nearby? Porcelain sink (to me) sounds like a bathroom sink. If her porcelain sink is like the porcelain sinks at my house, then she'll have to clean up her mess.
The other thing is the wording of the second sentence, which feels like it should go before the first sentence because of the tense.
An agent once told me to never start a story off with vomiting. If you have a weak-stomached reader, that would probably make them put the book down immediately, before even discovering what your story is about.
Ditto on the vomiting thing not being enough of a hook to draw readers in, too.
There's not intrigue here. I think if there was something to mention why she's sick, there might be a little more to go on.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to tell with two lines, but do you really need the second sentence? We kind of get that the lunch didn't sit well as she's puking her guts up.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do want to know why she's hurling!
The second line didn't feel needed to me. I'd rather know why she's puking. Sorry, this one didn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteThe first line does make me wonder why she's sick. Pregnant, married, unmarried? Several things come to mind. A second line could bring it together.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other posters. Sentence two is redundant. You can take us in another direction already.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you need to lose the second sentence, but it does need to be reworked. Is this what SHE thinks is wrong? A bad lunch? Get this sentence deeper into her POV, show us why SHE believes she's throwing up...and hint at whether or not that's denial. I mean, let's face it, anytime a woman throws up and she hasn't been drinking, we think she might be pregnant. Does she?
ReplyDelete(Just a note as well: the comma in the first paragraph is incorrect. Only use a comma to string two complete sentences together.)
Someone puking isn't hooking in itself. It needs a hint, a touch of depth. It needs to suggest what's special about her puking without brow-beating poor wulfie.
ReplyDeleteAdd that and you've got a customer.
Unless she's pregnant, I don't think you should start a novel with someone throwing up. It makes the reader stop reading because it's gross, IMO.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought: I don't care that the sink is made of porcelain. (Well, if we're turning on our inner editors here...!)
ReplyDeleteNow: Unlike almost everyone else, I don't see anything wrong with the second sentence. It's a good way to set the time of day. That said, I do agree that if you can incorporate a more piquant element here, it might help hook others.
I'd read on because I wanna know why she's puking :)
I wouldn't hurl in a porcelain sink. I'd go for the toilet or else I would have to clean it up...Didn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the second sentence isn't needed. To be intrigued by vomit, I need the reason right away.
ReplyDelete*eyebrows go up* This has to be the third submission I've read which starts off with somebody throwing up...
ReplyDeleteTwo things here:
Why did she throw up in the sink if the toilet is nearby? Porcelain sink (to me) sounds like a bathroom sink. If her porcelain sink is like the porcelain sinks at my house, then she'll have to clean up her mess.
The other thing is the wording of the second sentence, which feels like it should go before the first sentence because of the tense.
Not hooked. The MC is merely throwing up and there is no indication the cause of the upchucking is worth reading more.
ReplyDeleteI'd work on providing more context here.
Good voice. Dramatic opening. Not my genre.
ReplyDeleteNothing intriguing here. it's a basic scene from tons of situation. I might read a little more to see if the next part captures my attention.
ReplyDeleteRetching is generally violent and unpleasant. The lines here that describe it feel static and dull. Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteAn agent once told me to never start a story off with vomiting. If you have a weak-stomached reader, that would probably make them put the book down immediately, before even discovering what your story is about.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the vomiting thing not being enough of a hook to draw readers in, too.