Dimitris had been at St. Anne's prison for a week when the rumor
reached him that he was wanted by the Wizard. His cellie Luis had
impressed on him the importance of the meeting in violent language,
spittle flying off his lips and gathering at the corners of his mouth.
There's good content in here, but it's trying to cram too much into the thought -- how about a little more focus on the moment? there'll be time for the details later
ReplyDeleteIt sounds promising but with so much detail in here nothing stood out to drag me in further.
ReplyDeleteMissing a couple commas, but I like the description of the spittle. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd at least read the next couple paragraphs...
First line is very intriguing. Second line loses me in too much info crammed into it. I'd rather know in the second line what the prisoners reaction is to being wanted by the wizard. I'd read on to find out who the prisoner is.
ReplyDeleteMissing a couple commas here. In case you aren't familiar with the rule:
ReplyDelete"His cellie, Luis, had..."
As far as content (far more important at this point) the first sentence is very interesting, the second sentence not so much.
Original Text
ReplyDeleteDimitris had been at St. Anne's prison for a week when the rumor reached him that he was wanted by the Wizard. His cellie Luis had impressed on him the importance of the meeting in violent language, spittle flying off his lips and gathering at the corners of his mouth.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 7.96
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 73.2
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 7.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.1
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.5
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 6.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
Reading ease is ok for an Adult book, not for YA or middle grade.
The word cellie bothered me with violent language. The "cellie" doesn't seem to merit an endearment.
I'm not sure I need that much detail about Luis in the second sentence of a book.
ReplyDeleteThe grammar in the second sentence tripped me up. Perhaps you're trying to cram too much into one sentence? I think you can slow down with the description a bit and ease us into the story a bit slower.
ReplyDeleteI'd prefer you show Luis's reaction. As it is, it's difficult to tell what he is reacting to. Ranting in general? Drilling Dimitris? Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the first line (it has a good hook and makes me curious), but the second one feels more telling and loses impact. I suggest using actual dialogue for Luis, even if you decide to censor the language. Dialogue would be more active and drop us right into the scene, IMO.
ReplyDeleteSorry, forgot the second half of my comment.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd consider making them both more active voice. Dimitris had been at St. Anne's prison for a week when the rumor that the Wizard wanted to see him started. JAS.
Poor Dimitris! Evidently few are willing to speak to him directly if he has to find out through the grapevine that an important personage like a wizard wants to see him. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. I think the verbiage could be cleaned up a bit, but I like the premise. The spittle flying image is nice. (Well, not "nice" nice, but you get my meaning.)
Slightly not hooked. It drags on and doesn't really grab me.
ReplyDeleteToo telly. Maybe consider showing us Luis raging against Dimitri and saying something provocative/interesting enough to keep us reading.
ReplyDeleteI felt like you were trying to put 10 pounds of information in an 8 pound bag. Good information, but too much too soon.
ReplyDeleteNot bad... I'm instantly curious who this wizard guy is and why he's important. Got a little hung up on the word "cellie" but if the lingo fits, wear it, I guess...
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, but there's too many words here to express simple ideas, and thus the tension gets lost. Tighten this up, and I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDelete