Miss Snark's First Victim
I know this is only two sentences, so the third could clarify my confusions, but "they were draped" threw me off. You mentioned blood and scars, and this man Brit, but "they" lost me.:) Terri
This is interesting but the second sentence could use some rewording. My mind wants me to imagine Brit draped across the sofa with blood and scars, but the sentence suggests the blood and scars are draped across the sofa. Needs some clarity but I rather like the content.
Like the prior comments, I liked it but definitely find the participles a bit danglish.
As a sofa is one of the few comfortable places to sit when not feeling well, I guess I'm a little unsure why she's not sat down in a less uncomfortable position instead of draping herself... perhaps my confusion is due to grammar though.
Love the first sentence. I'm still lost in the second. It does read as though the blood and scars are draped over Em's sofa... could you spell out where they are? Or just pick one of them maybe?
LOVED this one! :D Great hook. I want to read on and find out what happens and who Brit is. (Yes, the wording could be polished. Not a big deal for me. ;))
This was too confusing to be intriguing. The first line works. But the second doesn't explain what they mean in the first. I think if you worked out what you're trying to say, you could make it interesting. I'd probably read a bit more to see if I could figure out what was happening.
Brit....Moonchaser... ? :]sofa THEY were difficult <- what or who's they? The guy's name makes me think this is a western romance... which is a bit of a double turnoff (sorry, it's me). But pushing that aside, this works if you fix or clarify the "they" I pointed out.
What does 'they' refer to? The blood and scars or Brit?This sounds like chick-lit so I probably wouldn't read on, but I think it's a strong opener.
And you're giving me grief for endlessly tweaking my opening? ;)I do like this approach - which would really tighten that opening scene - though I have to agree the 'they' was a bit hard to follow because I'm thinking Brit is on the sofa, not just his blood and scars.
Too confusing. Who or what is draped across the sofa - Em, Brit, blood and scars?
Brit is a great name. In the second sentence, what is “they”? The blood and scars? It sounds like Brit is a werewolf or a raging alcoholic type, which peaks my interest. I’m not hooked, though it sounds like you have something interesting here. The blood and scars comment doesn’t seem to connect with anything and I have no idea what was difficult to ignore…. That would be helpful.
The second sentence is kinda confusing. Maybe tighten it up and take out some of the unneeded words to make it flow smoother. Also, the first sentence is Telling, rather than Showing, us who Brit is as a character. I'd rather discover that for myself (as a reader) than being told by Em.
Thanks, y'all! It's just as I suspected: The second half of that second sentence is evil. I've moved the sofa to another spot and arranged Brit and his blood and scars there in a more responsible fashion (I hope). "Draped" was much too wussy a word, anyway. :-)The first sentence and the first half of the second sentence are staying put.
blood ans scars were draped on the sofa?
I think there is something wrong with 'they were draped.' Just how do blood or scars drape? I thought maybe I had missed a gun and gun belt or something.I think if you fixed this problem, you would have a good hook.