Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the line about the coins but the second one doesn't do anything for me. I'd suggest dropping the 'directly'. If they are in front that is enough detail to get the scene across. If we got some hint as to why the coins where there, I'd be more compelled to read on.
I like this but it would have to go somewhere interesting fast to keep me reading.
I'm not sure why I should care about coins, so this would need to move to action pronto to grab my interest.As it is, it doesn't pull me in, and since I have no feel of the narrator, I have no idea where it's going.
Not interested at all, but I would read on to see if it got a little more interesting. I would put an em dash or a colon after "Three coins lay directly in front of me" since you are introducing a list.But maybe I'm being too technical. *shrugs*
What is a rand ? And are they all silver ? I might read the rest of the paragraph or the next to judge, but I'm not entirely hooked.
Coins - unless they're made of diamond or worth a thousand bucks - don't hook me. The next few sentences would need to make up for a lot for me to keep reading. like Jeannie said. Steph
It's well written, but there's no reason the coins are interesting.It's not going to require a brow-beating, but there's got to be some hint of what's notable about it.Are the coins lying on top of a dead body? A bomb? Levitating? Do they have consecutive years stamped on them (in three different languages that our narrator can amazingly read)? Are they arranged in a special pattern? Part of a murder scene? Embedded in a journal of a woman who is blind and has never left her house?The story's roused wulfish interest, but maybe not in the desired way :)
Interesting. I know what a quarter is. Now I want to know what the connection is. I'd keep reading.
I tend to be ridiculously over-bothered by sentence structure, and your first one has too many commas, as Lady Glamis said. I'd put a colon instead, or else I might say:A yen, a rand, and a quarter lay on the ground/on the table/on the corpse in front of me. All three coins gleamed in the sunlight.Like that but not quite that. :) But so that you equate the three items with coins without quite spelling it out.
I agree with Lapillus. There better be action soon (like the next few sentences).
This doesn't hook me. There are three coins and they are shiny....and? You probably explain in the third sentence, but I think you should put a little something about the MC in here for context.
I agree with Wulf: I want to know what's unusual about these coins, preferably before I go any further. I'd read on, but please give me something quickly! :-)
Not hooked just yet. There's no real sense of tension, narrator, or setting. Bring us to the action right away, rather than setting us up for it.
I'm a little intrigued. I hope the next line gives me something more to keep me intrigued.
It hooked me me because the rand is the currency we use. American, African and Asian intrigue...I'd read on.
I liked it. It was clean and direct and not overburdened with a lot of fluff that doesn't say anything.You might say where the coins were in front of her -- the ground, the table, whatever.Then get rid of sharply. How much difference is there between gleaming, and gleaming sharply? Sharply doesn't say anything.I'd read on.
I have an opening like this. I personally don’t think yours or mine are very interesting, but I know in my story it gets a whole lot better about three lines down, so perhaps it’s the same for yours. The only thing in these sentences that catches me is that the three coins are from different nations, which makes me think there might be three people of different nationalities standing around these coins in the sunlight.