Katherine stood in the doorway watching the boy sleep.The soft glow of the nightlight beside his bed illuminated his face but shadows encircled the rest of the room so that every corner housed a menacing veil.
I'd read on because it sounds like it's going to be creepy, and I love creepy.
The first sentence creates a warm, snuggly mood though, with the use of soft, then the second speaks of demons. Maybe choose harsher words for the first sentence so we know it's creepy from the beginning. It seemed a bit contradictory.
“housed a menacing veil” It’s unclear what you mean here. The word choice feels abstract, where concrete could be better. By the tone, Katherine obviously cares for the boy and there is the hint that there may be cause to worry for his safety, but by the wording “watching the boy sleep” I would assume there are not related or close. Not sure what you intended, so this is just the vibes I was getting.
Something's going to happen, it seems. There's just enough mystery here to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree. Just enough mystery. I like the stillness of what you've described and hope something exciting happens in the next moment.
ReplyDeleteI would put a comma after face.
Liked the mood. Not a lot of action here, but it does promise it. I'd read on a bit before putting it down to be sure.
ReplyDeleteYES.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence should be two sentences, but I like this.
"Every corner housed a menacing veil," didn't do anything for me. But I would keep reading just to find out what the danger is.
ReplyDeleteHmmm....sounds like the boy and his mother are in danger.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'd read on.
Interesting. I'm not sure where it's going, but I'd read some more.
ReplyDeleteAn effective setting of the scene.
ReplyDeleteScary. Intriguing. I'd read on to see if it was horror or just a mystery.
ReplyDeleteHeavy descriptions, but nothing is really happening here. Start with the tension, rather than just hinting at it.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, cue the spooky music. I really like this one. Tension. Mystery. Excitement. Maybe some forshadowing. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on because it sounds like it's going to be creepy, and I love creepy.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence creates a warm, snuggly mood though, with the use of soft, then the second speaks of demons. Maybe choose harsher words for the first sentence so we know it's creepy from the beginning. It seemed a bit contradictory.
I like the contradiction here. Very effective opening, methinks. :-)
ReplyDelete“housed a menacing veil” It’s unclear what you mean here. The word choice feels abstract, where concrete could be better. By the tone, Katherine obviously cares for the boy and there is the hint that there may be cause to worry for his safety, but by the wording “watching the boy sleep” I would assume there are not related or close. Not sure what you intended, so this is just the vibes I was getting.
ReplyDelete