The engine of the Chrysler was still ticking when Katie and her
younger sister, Chrissie, ran to the end of the dock at their cottage
on Long Lake to watch their father, Theo Kelly of the Maritimes,
seawater in his veins, disappear under the surface. He always went in
on a dive; he always went in first.
That first sentence ran on so long I thought it would never end!
ReplyDeleteWay too much telling IMHO, to the point that my eyes glazed over. You could be far more concise and show us more feelings, and less narrative.
:) Terri
I like the idea, but whew that's a loooong first sentence! You could take out "at their cottage on Long Lake" (and work that info in later) and also the "seawater in his veins" part to shorten it.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot crammed into the first sentence... you really need to chop it up. Some of the stuff in there, like the Chrysler seemed unnecessary. Especially since my mental picture puts the car in the driveway in front of the cottage, and the docks a good distance away from the house (so as to prevent flooding and erosion).
ReplyDeleteToo much telling...
As the others have stated, first sentence was very long. I think if you really shortened it, it would work better. You could always put the info in later on.
ReplyDeleteFirst, if an engine ticks, that's a problem, I think. LOL Watch for similar sentence structure here:
ReplyDeleteher sister, Chrissie
their father, Theo Kelly
Change it up a bit. Chop sentence #1 up -- way too long of a thought.
Read this out loud and I think you'll see where the clunks are.
Whew... way too long of an opening. I got lost in the first sentence, and as a result lost interest in what would come next.
ReplyDeleteShould be easy to fix. Just break it apart.
To much information! To many nouns! Agk! *hides*
ReplyDeleteThere are so many names thrown at me that I can't picture the scene or catch any emotion. Try going back and focusing on the imagery, not the names. Show me the water and the sounds and smells on the dock. Are they up north? Did the car skid over a gravel drive? Is someone yelling for them to come back?
Honestly, it took me two reads to understand that Dad wasn't driving into the water. I was so confused I had the whole scene wrong.
Your opening is:
ReplyDeleteThe Chrysler's engine was still [gurgling] when Katie and Chrissie reached the edge of the dock. They watched their father disappear under the surface.
And what a great opening it is! Hooking indeed. But let the rest of the info trickle in later.
I'm lost in a sea of names. Nonetheless, it sounds like something interesting might be happening, if only you could prune away the excess.
ReplyDeleteAck! I think I drowned in that first sentence. Do you suppose Theo Kelly of the Maritimes, seawater in his veins, will pull me out? ;-)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, there's WAY too much info in that first sentence. It's all good info, I'm quite sure, but I'd feel so much better as a reader if you gave it to me in much smaller bites.
The notion of two girls watching their father disappear underwater in any capacity is compelling. Trim some of the excess here and I think you'll have a good opening. :-)
The first sentence is a run-on with some unnecessary asides (cottage on long lake, seawater in his veins, of the maritimes).
ReplyDeleteIt'd read much better if streamlined.
I'd probably still read on because I get the general idea, and it's an intriguing one.
The first sentence has WAY too many dependent clauses in it--I got lost and had to reread it several times to figure out what's going on.
ReplyDeleteToo much! if it's shortened and basic, I think it would still be intriguing. it starts out in a happy place, happy mood.
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence could be three. It’s got so much going on in it. And although you’ve got a running car, a diving father, and running sisters, I’m not hooked. There’s a lot of action, but its not tense or intriguing. I vaguely want to know why the engine is still running and the father’s gung-ho attitude is interesting, but that’s all I got.
ReplyDelete