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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Slamming on the breaks, Kathryn braced herself for the sickening thud when metal meets flesh and bone. The boy on the skateboard appeared out of no where, stopping in her path and staring right through her.
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I would read further to find out what happened. Good hook.ReplyDelete
I'm a little confused. If she slammed on the breaks, it reads as if she's already seen him and is reacting to his sudden apperance, but the second line reads like he's appearing after she hit the brakes.ReplyDelete
I agree. I'm a bit confused. I think the second sentence should go before the first. I don't think I would read on. It just doesn't hook me.ReplyDelete
The first sentence yanks me right in. I am cringing right along with her, horrified with her. But the second confuses me, because it seemed to happen before the first. The boy was in her path before the story started. Did she hit him? Not him? I'm confused, and not necessarily in the way that urges me to keep reading to find out.ReplyDelete
I would want to read further to see what happened and why the boy was in the street. I think if you reverse the sentences, put the cause then effect in the right order, it would be helpful.ReplyDelete
Unless you add a had to the second sentence. Or just continue through the accident and then relay the past. Maybe change it to. The boy on the skateboard stopped in her path and stared right through her.ReplyDelete
I'd read more.
I agree with switching the sentences around. I'd read on to see if she hit him, but don't know if I'd continue if I found another typo (breaks vs. brakes).ReplyDelete
I would take out the second sentence and put it in a little bit later. I like that sentence; it just doesn't make sense directly after the first sentence (which is really good).ReplyDelete
These sentences definitely need to be reversed.ReplyDelete
I'd read on. Like any human being I'm going to get sucked into the horror of other people suffering grievious crimes against their physical integrity--everyone loves a good train wreck.
However, the story darn well better show some serious wit and conflict before the carnage is over, or I'll just fade out after.
When I transposed the sentences it read a lot more cohesively.ReplyDelete
Good hook, though
Hook is great. I agree with the other posts; swaping the two sentences around sounds like a good move.ReplyDelete
Typo re/breaks (brakes)ReplyDelete
Here, I was wondering about her... in this case, my first instinct would be to swerve out of the way if there was time to brace myself against a thud. You know?
The other thing is the second sentence implies she wasn't in the car. How could the kid stare right through her if she's inside a car?
That said, I would read on a little bit in hopes that the kid vanishes and the protag is wondering about her sanity...
I agree that the sentences should be switched.ReplyDelete
Otherwise, I'd read on to see how bad the situation is.
Oh! A bit too violent and heartbreaking for my taste. Dead kids aren't a good hook for me.ReplyDelete
I agree with others who suggest the second sentence is a better opener.ReplyDelete
The fact that Kathryn braces herself in anticipation, suggests she is familiar with "the sickening thud," knows that this is what will happen. I would rework that sentence, allow her to be surprised, shocked at the sensation.
This is a strong opening, though certainly hard to handle as a clear visual. Possibly the sheer brutality of it is too difficult for an opener. It depends completely on what follows next.
The flow doesn’t work for me. No normal boy would stop in front of a moving vehicle and stare vacantly, so I have to assume the boy is not normal. Starting it with ‘slamming” seems off to me. I’d rewrite it: Kathryn slammed on the brakes, bracing herself for the sickening thud when metal meets flesh and bone. But that’s just me.ReplyDelete
The immediacy of slamming on the breaks is kinda lost in the descriptions of the first sentence. In action/tense scenes, short sentences help heighten the tension and make your reader feel the same unease/apprehension that your MC is feeling.ReplyDelete
I think I've read this before... ;) I'm most intrigued by the "started right through her." Not "at" her. Suggests paranormal something, which I'm all over. Nice job.ReplyDelete