It's so hard to tell where the story is going from two lines, so I'm really looking at the sentences for construction/rhythm. So--I'd delete one "kitty"--you've got one too many.
When I read this, I saw a cat laying back its ears and flicking its tail in irritation.
What is the person thinking when she calls the cat? Is she hoping it comes out? Hoping it doesn't attack her? If these sentences are fleshed out with just a couple details, they'll have a bigger impact.
If this one had a strong book blurb that had me picking up the book anyway, I'd be fine with it, especially if it was a kid's book. I like animal stories.
People who call anything "sweetly" annoy me, unless they're being sarcastic. Seriously: Do people often refer to themselves as acting "sweetly"? I could see the POV character being desperate to catch the cat, irritated that the little beast won't come out from under the sofa or absolutely furious with the person who dropped off the creature to be cat-sat...but I don't see any of those things here. I really like the description of Buster's cattitude, but might the second sentence work better if readers got some sort of "read" on the person the cat is tormenting? Just a thought. :-)
This is kind of generic -- a sulky cat and someone calling it. What is unique about this particular cat? What telling detail could you focus on that would bring the cat's personality into focus for us?
Same with the second sentence. What could Buster's owner say to Buster that would give us an insight into their unique relationship?
Focusing on specific details is the way to capture the complex texture of that world you're trying to show us.
Original Text Crouched behind the plush sofa, Buster looked up at me with disdain. 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,' I called sweetly. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 5 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 78.2 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 4.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 4 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.1 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 4.3
Good readibility index I don't think I'd use sweetly instead, "I called the cat in my sweetest voice."
Not hooked just yet. Though I know firsthand trying to retrieve a P.O.'d cat from behind a sofa is a trecherous business, I'd still recommend making this a stronger opening by giving us action right away, rather than leading up to it.
I'd read a bit more, though there is nothing particularly hooking in here.
ReplyDeleteNow, if the plush sofa were torn to shreds, on fire, or perhaps the person doing the calling was one of those things...
It's so hard to tell where the story is going from two lines, so I'm really looking at the sentences for construction/rhythm. So--I'd delete one "kitty"--you've got one too many.
ReplyDeleteNothing here to attract me. The rest of the paragraph could be awesome, but there's not a lot in this fragment.
ReplyDeleteThis needs something a bit more grabbing, I think.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this, I saw a cat laying back its ears and flicking its tail in irritation.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the person thinking when she calls the cat? Is she hoping it comes out? Hoping it doesn't attack her? If these sentences are fleshed out with just a couple details, they'll have a bigger impact.
There's not really a hook in these lines. I'd probably read a bit more to see if the next part caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteIf this one had a strong book blurb that had me picking up the book anyway, I'd be fine with it, especially if it was a kid's book. I like animal stories.
ReplyDeleteNothing really hooks me here, sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. A few more details would help, or knowing the blurb. But these lines alone don't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm under the impression that the cat is wise to stay far far far away from anyone who goes "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty," sweetly.
ReplyDeletePeople who call anything "sweetly" annoy me, unless they're being sarcastic. Seriously: Do people often refer to themselves as acting "sweetly"? I could see the POV character being desperate to catch the cat, irritated that the little beast won't come out from under the sofa or absolutely furious with the person who dropped off the creature to be cat-sat...but I don't see any of those things here. I really like the description of Buster's cattitude, but might the second sentence work better if readers got some sort of "read" on the person the cat is tormenting? Just a thought. :-)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Nothing noteworthy is happening.
ReplyDeleteThis is kind of generic -- a sulky cat and someone calling it. What is unique about this particular cat? What telling detail could you focus on that would bring the cat's personality into focus for us?
ReplyDeleteSame with the second sentence. What could Buster's owner say to Buster that would give us an insight into their unique relationship?
Focusing on specific details is the way to capture the complex texture of that world you're trying to show us.
Really bad run-on. This needs a lot of structuring. Really not hooked, sorry. You’ve got way too much going on there.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I can't see the image, don't understand why she wants kitty to come out and it doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteOriginal Text
ReplyDeleteCrouched behind the plush sofa, Buster looked up at me with disdain. 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,' I called sweetly.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 5
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 78.2
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 4.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.1
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 4.3
Good readibility index
I don't think I'd use sweetly instead, "I called the cat in my sweetest voice."
Not hooked just yet. Though I know firsthand trying to retrieve a P.O.'d cat from behind a sofa is a trecherous business, I'd still recommend making this a stronger opening by giving us action right away, rather than leading up to it.
ReplyDelete