A cold sweat gripped me as I gazed around the light colored walls of the gym and a shiver surged from the tips of my painted toes to my scalp. I didn't want to be here today, especially not today.
The mood of this is terrific. I definitely want to know why the narrator doesn't want to be in the gym.
My one comment: "Tips of my painted toes to my scalp" is a highly overused cliche. It draws from the mood for me. I'd try to find a fresher, more original way of showing her fear.
Yeah I agree with Wulf - some personifications are awkward and this is a perfect example of one. Sweat gripping... etc. I like the overall idea, think it's really intriguing, but I think you've got too many overwritten parts for it to work for me. The "shiver" bit, the "painted toenails", etc.
One thing that yanked me out of the mood was a mention of her painted toes. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong kind of gym, but I would NEVER go around barefoot at my gym... :[
I'm not quite hooked. The language and complicated sentence structure don't match the apprehension that the MC is describing, IMHO. The first sentence feels like forced emotion to me.
Oooo... intriguing. I'd read on. These sentences raise a lot of unanswered question.
ReplyDeleteThe mood of this is terrific. I definitely want to know why the narrator doesn't want to be in the gym.
ReplyDeleteMy one comment: "Tips of my painted toes to my scalp" is a highly overused cliche. It draws from the mood for me. I'd try to find a fresher, more original way of showing her fear.
Yes, I agree this is intriguing. I'd read to see what happened.
ReplyDeleteI could have done without the shiver being that the cold sweat conveys her mood well enough. Good questions raised here. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOoooo, nice. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI loved this too, although I got caught up on "light colored walls". You could maybe just say "walls" and be ok.
ReplyDeleteGood mood, good voice.
ReplyDeleteBut how exactly does a cold sweat grip something? Besides being cliche, it's not logical and annoying for your wulfish readers, at least.
Yeah I agree with Wulf - some personifications are awkward and this is a perfect example of one. Sweat gripping... etc. I like the overall idea, think it's really intriguing, but I think you've got too many overwritten parts for it to work for me. The "shiver" bit, the "painted toenails", etc.
ReplyDeleteI like this.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that yanked me out of the mood was a mention of her painted toes. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong kind of gym, but I would NEVER go around barefoot at my gym... :[
Painted toes? You mean painted toenails?
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued though, why being at the gym is such a fear-enducing experience for the MC.
I'd give it a few more sentences.
No. I'm just not being pulled in.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. I would read on to see what's going to happen. Good little way of telling us it's a girl with the painted toenails.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence hooks me. The first feels cliché.
ReplyDelete"Light colored walls" is vague and flavorless. Either drop the color altogether or name it: white, ivory, beige, pale yellow, whatever.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked. The language and complicated sentence structure don't match the apprehension that the MC is describing, IMHO. The first sentence feels like forced emotion to me.
ReplyDelete