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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dread danced along my skin and I shook it off in annoyance. Until I saw the looming forms of several axe-wielding giants standing in the shadows across the street.
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The opening metaphor is a bit too strong for me, but I like the bit about the giants.ReplyDelete
I liked it and would read on.ReplyDelete
Feels formulaic. But with a bit of stronger voice, I'd be hooked.ReplyDelete
"Danced along my skin" is almost akin to a cliche in my mind. Way over-used. I'd try for a fresher way to start this.ReplyDelete
And instead of starting in the seconds before the narrator sees the giants, how about starting in the seconds AFTER?
I hate personification of emotions. Dread danced, fear licked, etc. It stands out and distracts me from the narrative. =/ If you change that to something more straightforward, I think it'd work well.ReplyDelete
I don't like the personification of emotions, either. Seems kinda overdone. Also, it's not immediately clear whether the MC stops shaking off the dread, or the dread stops dancing, when she sees the axe-wielding giants.ReplyDelete
Also, it's not a big thing, but the second sentence isn't a complete sentence.
Dread sounds an awful lot like a mosquito... :IReplyDelete
Second sentence is a fragment.
Agree that the opening description is a bit heavy, but the second line definitely hooked me.ReplyDelete
Annoyance seems much weaker than dread... I think that's my problem with the first sentence. I like th second one though. ;)ReplyDelete
Very intriguing. First sentence is good description. Second makes me think it's a modern day fantasy mix. I'd read on for sure.ReplyDelete
'Dread danced' nearly killed it for me. Dancing is an upbeat adjective to me...I'd prefer skittered, tingled, or something that coincides with dread.ReplyDelete
The 2nd sentence is a fragment and is really part of the 1st sentence.
Otherwise, I'd read on.
The second sentence is awkward and the first is a tad cliché. Overall, it doesn’t flow for me because he’s got dread, he shakes it off, and then it returns (for obvious good reason). The transitions are so quick though and I don’t know why he was in dread in the first place so it doesn’t quite work for me. Also, with the axe-wielding giants I’m assuming this is MG or YA fantasy? Plus, wielding implies movement, while standing in the shadows implies hiding, which is a bit of a contradiction. Not hooked.ReplyDelete
It feels like there's too many words before we get to the action. Other than that, interesting opening.ReplyDelete