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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Hot winds blew across the rolling plains, kicking up dust demons to play among the dead. Corpses bloated in the sun, insects landing on cracking skin to feed and mate on the tender flesh beneath.
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Not bad. I would read more. It makes me wonder what happened? Why are all these people dead?ReplyDelete
I agree, I'd read on. Good imagery!ReplyDelete
Very gross. I'd read on!ReplyDelete
I would read on. Great imagery and smooth description.ReplyDelete
I think the second sentence should actually be two.ReplyDelete
And I wondered if the flesh would still be tender if the corpses are bloating...
The second sentence really isn't a sentence. Incomplete sentences are often a fast sign that the writer is inexperienced.ReplyDelete
Like exclamation points and dashes, incomplete sentences should be used infrequently for effect.
A little too much up-over-across-beneathing, but otherwise fun :)ReplyDelete
Eww... tender in this scene doesn't work. And corpse flesh, from too many dissections, isn't tender. Although I've never played with a super fresh corpse, gooey or touch, depending on the state of decomp, would be better than tender.ReplyDelete
Anyways, off my tangent, I've seen the opening line before in a published book. It's a cliche imagery for deserts. Start with searing sunlight and the maggots.
I like "to play among the dead" part of the first sentence, but I agree that the first half could be a little more orginal.ReplyDelete
Isn't starting with weather a no-no? Heh. A lot of agents have been complaining about it on their blogs, at least from what I've been reading. :)
I read 'bloated' as a verb and DID see it as a complete sentence. Interesting.ReplyDelete
I wonder about the 'tender' part too, but am seeing the scene vividly and would want to keep reading.
Great imagery. I wouldn't read on though. Not my thing.ReplyDelete
I read the second sentence as complete, as well. I like the imagery here. Very Stephen King-ish. I'd read on. :-)ReplyDelete
ABSOLUTELY hooked. LOVE the descriptions and the way you woke a sense of foreboding into two short sentences. I'd definitely read on.ReplyDelete
Gruesome! I'd read on to see where it is and why there's so many dead. Well written sentences with good description. Though the gore might scare me off from reading if it kept up.ReplyDelete
Love the visual. But I agree, would bloated flesh be tender? But my interest is piqued.ReplyDelete
Bloated flesh would certainly be tender. It's been cooked in its own acids. Smelly but certainly soft in some places.ReplyDelete
Under a high heat, it could cook slowly, like a pot roast.
Ewww…. I definitely like the first sentence and why there are dead bodies strewn about intrigues me, but the insects just turned my stomach. I realize this may be what you’re going for, but it doesn’t sound like my sort of book ReplyDelete
First sentence, definitely, second sentence, probably. So overall, yes. :)ReplyDelete