Miss Snark's First Victim
Mel Hannigan was hanging around wondering how she could have been so stupid. Actually she was hanging precariously by her seatbelt in her Porsche Boxter after missing the curve.
This sounds like a lead in to a comedy. I'd read further to find out what's going on and who finds her.
I know commas are out and we're not here to nit-pick, but I really want to see one after "Actually"The second sentence is a mouthful... "hanging by her... in her... after missing..."Precariously is a tough word here, and seems unnecessary. Hanging by your seat belt sounds quit precarious already! That will help a bit. Dropping some of the "her"s and prepositions will make it roll nicely off the tongue and give it the perfect touch, imo.Otherwise, this is awesome. I'd definitely read on with high expectations.
I like this but I think it could pack a better punch worded differently. Maybe try a few variations and see if you can come up with something snappier.
I'm wondering what just happened. I'd definitely read on to find out. I'm hooked.
I'm wondering if it'd flow better to have the second "was hanging" as a more active hung. With a bit of sentence clean up, I think this will be terrific.
LOL. I'm honestly a bit torn on the POV/tone, but the humor of it pulls me in anyway, so I'd probably read on a bit.
Did she wreck her Porche? It's a bit confusing but I'd probably read on to find out what happened and if Mel is really stupid. Good humor.
*scrubs Little Orphan Annie "Miss Hannigan!" out of head*Plays around with the wording to get rid of passive (was -ing) tenses:Mel Hannigan wondered how she could have been so stupid. At least she wore her seatbelt, particularly since that was the only thing keeping her hanging around in her Porche Boxter after she missed the curve.
Heh. I like it. I'd read on.
A little humorous, but not a great opener. Sort of cheesy humor. I’m not really hooked.
I like the humor in this. =)
Too many passive words take away from the storytelling. The language and sentence structure could be stonger, too.
The humor overcame the phrasing for me, but I think with a bit of reworking this could suck a reader in without even trying. :-)
I like humor.simplify it a bit.Average Readability Level: 10.3Average of grade levels scores that follow.Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Specific ScoresFlesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 52.1Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 9.6Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.9Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 14Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 8.3Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 9.7Grade level is too high, but reading ease is ok. That usually means you're using too many words in a sentence. Remember, when it comes to enjoyment, all of our IQ's drop 20 points. Most NYT bestsellers are at 7th grade levels. Newspapers are as low as 4th.